Have you walked out of my life, or have I walked out of your life? How did things turn out the way like this? I know. It's because of my insecurity, my inability to love myself more than I love others, my constant belief that I don't make a good friend and that it doesn't matter whether or not people have a friend in me.

I don't have the courage to initiate the first "hello" when I see you cuz I know I don't have a right to do so anymore. I'm too ashamed to want to walk back into your life again. It's been 3 weeks and 4 days and the clock is still ticking away. I miss you. I miss the friendship you extend to me. I miss the sms-es from you everyday and I miss you msg-ing me whenever I come online. I miss asking you out for a movie and I miss the rare ocassions we'll get to go home together.

I know you won't talk to me until I learn to love myself. I know you won't talk to me until I change the way I think about I not being important. I know and I know and I know. But you'll be disappointed to hear this, maybe you won't, but who knows? I won't learn to love myself anytime soon. I've always held on to the belief that I don't have to love myself before I can love others and it's the truth that I don't love myself. You're being selfish by denying me the chance to be good to you. But I know, you live by the word of God and the word of God says that we should love others as yourself. I don't blame you cuz it's my fault.

These 3 weeks and 4 days, I've been secretly harbouring a small little hope that you'll talk to me again. But I know you mean what you say. But it doesn't mean I'll stop harbouring that small little hope cuz no matter how small a hope, it is still a hope. I hope everything's going on well for you in your life. I hope you're happy. I really do.

I'm sorry. I really am. You have no idea how sad I am that things have turned out this way, but I know I brought it upon myself. I just want to tell you that you're the bestest friend I've ever got to know in my life. I just want you to know how thankful I am that when everything was pitch black in my life, you stepped into my life and made a difference. A big big difference. Thank you. Thank you for the all the times you've been there for me. Thank you for all the encouragements you've given me. Thank you for the memories, thank you for everything. Thank you for you. Thank you for loving me. I don't know if I'll ever get the chance to make it up to you for the times I've hurt you and disappointed you. I don't know if our friendship can still progress to the next level, but no matter what it is, I just want to say from the bottom bottom of my heart, I'm sorry and I love you.

For A Special Friend

It would break my heart
to ever see you sad.
And if we ever had to part
I won't forget the times we had.

There will come a day
when you'll no longer be with me.
And this is what I'll have to say:
"that in my heart u'll always be"

You're one special friend -
someone who's so very dear,
whom I always can depend
to lend a listening ear.

Whenever I'm down
you're always there.
and you're always around
to show how much you really care.

Nothing will ever replace
your place in my heart
and nothing will ever erase
these memories of you in me.

` kAeJ
21/06/04

Staring into the Abyss,