.The Abyss.
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.Past Ramblings.
March 2005
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Thursday, March 31, 2005
Have you walked out of my life, or have I walked out of your life? How did things turn out the way like this? I know. It's because of my insecurity, my inability to love myself more than I love others, my constant belief that I don't make a good friend and that it doesn't matter whether or not people have a friend in me.
I don't have the courage to initiate the first "hello" when I see you cuz I know I don't have a right to do so anymore. I'm too ashamed to want to walk back into your life again. It's been 3 weeks and 4 days and the clock is still ticking away. I miss you. I miss the friendship you extend to me. I miss the sms-es from you everyday and I miss you msg-ing me whenever I come online. I miss asking you out for a movie and I miss the rare ocassions we'll get to go home together.
I know you won't talk to me until I learn to love myself. I know you won't talk to me until I change the way I think about I not being important. I know and I know and I know. But you'll be disappointed to hear this, maybe you won't, but who knows? I won't learn to love myself anytime soon. I've always held on to the belief that I don't have to love myself before I can love others and it's the truth that I don't love myself. You're being selfish by denying me the chance to be good to you. But I know, you live by the word of God and the word of God says that we should love others as yourself. I don't blame you cuz it's my fault.
These 3 weeks and 4 days, I've been secretly harbouring a small little hope that you'll talk to me again. But I know you mean what you say. But it doesn't mean I'll stop harbouring that small little hope cuz no matter how small a hope, it is still a hope. I hope everything's going on well for you in your life. I hope you're happy. I really do.
I'm sorry. I really am. You have no idea how sad I am that things have turned out this way, but I know I brought it upon myself. I just want to tell you that you're the bestest friend I've ever got to know in my life. I just want you to know how thankful I am that when everything was pitch black in my life, you stepped into my life and made a difference. A big big difference. Thank you. Thank you for the all the times you've been there for me. Thank you for all the encouragements you've given me. Thank you for the memories, thank you for everything. Thank you for you. Thank you for loving me. I don't know if I'll ever get the chance to make it up to you for the times I've hurt you and disappointed you. I don't know if our friendship can still progress to the next level, but no matter what it is, I just want to say from the bottom bottom of my heart, I'm sorry and I love you.
For A Special Friend
It would break my heart
to ever see you sad.
And if we ever had to part
I won't forget the times we had.
There will come a day
when you'll no longer be with me.
And this is what I'll have to say:
"that in my heart u'll always be"
You're one special friend -
someone who's so very dear,
whom I always can depend
to lend a listening ear.
Whenever I'm down
you're always there.
and you're always around
to show how much you really care.
Nothing will ever replace
your place in my heart
and nothing will ever erase
these memories of you in me.
` kAeJ
21/06/04
I don't have the courage to initiate the first "hello" when I see you cuz I know I don't have a right to do so anymore. I'm too ashamed to want to walk back into your life again. It's been 3 weeks and 4 days and the clock is still ticking away. I miss you. I miss the friendship you extend to me. I miss the sms-es from you everyday and I miss you msg-ing me whenever I come online. I miss asking you out for a movie and I miss the rare ocassions we'll get to go home together.
I know you won't talk to me until I learn to love myself. I know you won't talk to me until I change the way I think about I not being important. I know and I know and I know. But you'll be disappointed to hear this, maybe you won't, but who knows? I won't learn to love myself anytime soon. I've always held on to the belief that I don't have to love myself before I can love others and it's the truth that I don't love myself. You're being selfish by denying me the chance to be good to you. But I know, you live by the word of God and the word of God says that we should love others as yourself. I don't blame you cuz it's my fault.
These 3 weeks and 4 days, I've been secretly harbouring a small little hope that you'll talk to me again. But I know you mean what you say. But it doesn't mean I'll stop harbouring that small little hope cuz no matter how small a hope, it is still a hope. I hope everything's going on well for you in your life. I hope you're happy. I really do.
I'm sorry. I really am. You have no idea how sad I am that things have turned out this way, but I know I brought it upon myself. I just want to tell you that you're the bestest friend I've ever got to know in my life. I just want you to know how thankful I am that when everything was pitch black in my life, you stepped into my life and made a difference. A big big difference. Thank you. Thank you for the all the times you've been there for me. Thank you for all the encouragements you've given me. Thank you for the memories, thank you for everything. Thank you for you. Thank you for loving me. I don't know if I'll ever get the chance to make it up to you for the times I've hurt you and disappointed you. I don't know if our friendship can still progress to the next level, but no matter what it is, I just want to say from the bottom bottom of my heart, I'm sorry and I love you.
For A Special Friend
It would break my heart
to ever see you sad.
And if we ever had to part
I won't forget the times we had.
There will come a day
when you'll no longer be with me.
And this is what I'll have to say:
"that in my heart u'll always be"
You're one special friend -
someone who's so very dear,
whom I always can depend
to lend a listening ear.
Whenever I'm down
you're always there.
and you're always around
to show how much you really care.
Nothing will ever replace
your place in my heart
and nothing will ever erase
these memories of you in me.
` kAeJ
21/06/04
Staring into the Abyss,
(5) comments
Sunday, March 27, 2005
Today's Easter Sunday. 4 years ago on this day, I gave my heart to Jesus. Easter is always special to me. It's been 4 years since I've received my salvation. 4 years - It's not been a long time, neither has been a short time. As I was on my way home from service today, I thought about my walk with Jesus, my relationship with Him. I thought about the people I've grown with in my 3 years (Started going for CG/Service regularly in 2002) in church.
At times, I cannot believe that 4 years have passed so quickly. I've seen people go from glory to glory in their walk and relationship with Jesus, seen people falling away from Jesus and see some people remaining stagnant in their walk and relationship with Him. I find myself wondering which category I'd classify myself in. Where am I now?
The ones who used to hold Jesus' hand, are they still holding His hand today? Have their grip tightened or loosened? Are there people reluctant to hold His hand? Are there people reluctant to allow Jesus to hold their hand?
How far have I fallen since I first started walking with Him?
At times, I cannot believe that 4 years have passed so quickly. I've seen people go from glory to glory in their walk and relationship with Jesus, seen people falling away from Jesus and see some people remaining stagnant in their walk and relationship with Him. I find myself wondering which category I'd classify myself in. Where am I now?
The ones who used to hold Jesus' hand, are they still holding His hand today? Have their grip tightened or loosened? Are there people reluctant to hold His hand? Are there people reluctant to allow Jesus to hold their hand?
How far have I fallen since I first started walking with Him?
Staring into the Abyss,
(0) comments
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Yeah. Uma is coming back! But, alas, she'll be teaching the Year 2s only. Think they're trying to squeeze the 2 days of lessons into one day for Uma's convenient. It's desperation from the school, but I think it's a good move. Unfortunately, we'll still be stuck with Runima.
Darranz, Mel and I went to see Runima yesterday upon advise from Jeeshan to do so. We thought by telling her how we felt, there'll be constructive changes but we came out of the room feeling angry and disappointed. Darranz did most of the talking. Runima told us to lower our expectations of her, that she didn't like giving half-hearted lectures but the class was not interactive enough. She said that we were not prepared and she was at a point when Uma have already completed the syallabus and she didn't know where and how she should start. She said that her colleagues advised her against teaching us new things from different perspective. She asked Darranz where she could find criticism essays for her to read and then she can impart it to us. She said she didn't have the time to travel around to find the resources. She told us to be understanding and lower our expectations cuz she's only here as a guide. She said that if we want more in depth stuff, wait till the next semester (Year 2 or if we fail and have to repeat), she'll be more prepared, and she can start from scratch.
We were peeved man. Especially Darranz. She asked us where to find materials. Darranz was saying, "If I had the materials, then I don't think I'll need you." We're having our major exam in 6 weeks time and here she was telling us to lower our expectations and to wait for next semester for more in depth stuff. What a joke. She got her facts all wrong in class yesterday saying that Oedipus had a sword in his hand and tried to kill himself. We were like, "HUH?! He blinded himself with his wife's brooch what." Factual mistake. I think Sophocles is turning in his grave. And then a student asked her, "Why do you think Oedipus didn't kill herself?" And her reply, "That you have to ask Sophocles." Ha Ha. Very funny.
The year 2s are having it harder than us cuz their modules are more difficult. We're only doing the basics see. So Uma will be with the Year 2s, and we will be with Runima. Don't think Mel, Darranz, Me, Vivian, Joan are going to attend her lessons anymore. We'll stay in the library and study on our own. Darranz was saying that if that was all Runima could offer, then the school might as well employ him instead. We discussed like 4 questions in 1.5 hours and it goes like this:
Runima: Ok. So what do you all think about qn 1?
Somebody will answer. Then she'll say ok, "what about you? What do you think?" And after that person has given his/her point of view, she'll go on to the next questions. Like Hello? So, what's the 1st question about?!
I guess I cannot push the blame to Runima if I fail the exam. Cuz it's not as if if Uma was around, I'll pass. Guess, Runima is just a convenient excuse for me to say, "oh. the new lecturer didn't impart anything to me." And to think Runima wants to help me pass. How, may I ask?
Darranz, Mel and I went to see Runima yesterday upon advise from Jeeshan to do so. We thought by telling her how we felt, there'll be constructive changes but we came out of the room feeling angry and disappointed. Darranz did most of the talking. Runima told us to lower our expectations of her, that she didn't like giving half-hearted lectures but the class was not interactive enough. She said that we were not prepared and she was at a point when Uma have already completed the syallabus and she didn't know where and how she should start. She said that her colleagues advised her against teaching us new things from different perspective. She asked Darranz where she could find criticism essays for her to read and then she can impart it to us. She said she didn't have the time to travel around to find the resources. She told us to be understanding and lower our expectations cuz she's only here as a guide. She said that if we want more in depth stuff, wait till the next semester (Year 2 or if we fail and have to repeat), she'll be more prepared, and she can start from scratch.
We were peeved man. Especially Darranz. She asked us where to find materials. Darranz was saying, "If I had the materials, then I don't think I'll need you." We're having our major exam in 6 weeks time and here she was telling us to lower our expectations and to wait for next semester for more in depth stuff. What a joke. She got her facts all wrong in class yesterday saying that Oedipus had a sword in his hand and tried to kill himself. We were like, "HUH?! He blinded himself with his wife's brooch what." Factual mistake. I think Sophocles is turning in his grave. And then a student asked her, "Why do you think Oedipus didn't kill herself?" And her reply, "That you have to ask Sophocles." Ha Ha. Very funny.
The year 2s are having it harder than us cuz their modules are more difficult. We're only doing the basics see. So Uma will be with the Year 2s, and we will be with Runima. Don't think Mel, Darranz, Me, Vivian, Joan are going to attend her lessons anymore. We'll stay in the library and study on our own. Darranz was saying that if that was all Runima could offer, then the school might as well employ him instead. We discussed like 4 questions in 1.5 hours and it goes like this:
Runima: Ok. So what do you all think about qn 1?
Somebody will answer. Then she'll say ok, "what about you? What do you think?" And after that person has given his/her point of view, she'll go on to the next questions. Like Hello? So, what's the 1st question about?!
I guess I cannot push the blame to Runima if I fail the exam. Cuz it's not as if if Uma was around, I'll pass. Guess, Runima is just a convenient excuse for me to say, "oh. the new lecturer didn't impart anything to me." And to think Runima wants to help me pass. How, may I ask?
Staring into the Abyss,
(1) comments
Tuesday, March 22, 2005
6 more weeks to my first major exam since I started schooling at Stansfield. The mood within my group haven't been great or should I say, my mood and Mel's mood. We're demoralized cuz Jeeshan and Runima are giving us back our Mock Exam papers. 3 essays in 3 hours, 1 essay must be at least have 4 sides(and that is only the minimum). How to write? I can only write half a page, and Mel, perhaps 1 page?
I haven't outwardly proclaimed that I'm demoralized but Mel on the other hand have been doing so. What surprised me was what I said to her, "Don't have to be demoralized and think we're wasting the S$8000. Just treat it as we're paying to find out which areas we can excel in. Now we know Eng Lit is not our cup of tea. Treat it as a lesson learnt lor. Paid and learnt." She was like, "Wah. That is from you?"
We no longer have anymore tutorials so lessons end at 330pm for me now. Was going to check out Raffles X'change with Mel after lesson today but Mel's cousin asked her to accompany him to buy his girlfriend's birthday present last minute so here I am back home. Wanted to catch a movie, but I forgot to bring my wallet. =/
Mel is thinking of doing her degree in Multimedia cuz she has a diploma in that. At least she has another plan. Me, I guess I'm still searching, still thinking, still deliberating. -shrug- We'll take things 1 day at a time I guess. Anyway, Jeeshan said that the part-time students did better than us and he was shocked. Logically speaking, the full-time student should do better than the part-time students cuz we have the benefit of time and tutorials.
My class did atrociously bad and he was very disappointed. He kept sighing and wondering why the part-time students did better than us. They started school in September. Have 1 and a half hours of lessons and within that 1.5 hours, they cover 2 modules. We started in June, 3 hrs of lessons, 1 module a day. I guess there is an urgency in the part-time students. They know they don't have anytime to waste. Us, on the other hand, we are taking it for granted. We're thinking that we have alot of time and laziness gets the better of us. Procrastinating becomes a part of our life and then we're hooked on procrastinating. Now, we have 2 choices. Either we buck up and start pulling up our socks or wait for failure to stare straight at us. Will we move? Will we budge? Will we put in that extra bit of effort? Only time will tell.
I haven't outwardly proclaimed that I'm demoralized but Mel on the other hand have been doing so. What surprised me was what I said to her, "Don't have to be demoralized and think we're wasting the S$8000. Just treat it as we're paying to find out which areas we can excel in. Now we know Eng Lit is not our cup of tea. Treat it as a lesson learnt lor. Paid and learnt." She was like, "Wah. That is from you?"
We no longer have anymore tutorials so lessons end at 330pm for me now. Was going to check out Raffles X'change with Mel after lesson today but Mel's cousin asked her to accompany him to buy his girlfriend's birthday present last minute so here I am back home. Wanted to catch a movie, but I forgot to bring my wallet. =/
Mel is thinking of doing her degree in Multimedia cuz she has a diploma in that. At least she has another plan. Me, I guess I'm still searching, still thinking, still deliberating. -shrug- We'll take things 1 day at a time I guess. Anyway, Jeeshan said that the part-time students did better than us and he was shocked. Logically speaking, the full-time student should do better than the part-time students cuz we have the benefit of time and tutorials.
My class did atrociously bad and he was very disappointed. He kept sighing and wondering why the part-time students did better than us. They started school in September. Have 1 and a half hours of lessons and within that 1.5 hours, they cover 2 modules. We started in June, 3 hrs of lessons, 1 module a day. I guess there is an urgency in the part-time students. They know they don't have anytime to waste. Us, on the other hand, we are taking it for granted. We're thinking that we have alot of time and laziness gets the better of us. Procrastinating becomes a part of our life and then we're hooked on procrastinating. Now, we have 2 choices. Either we buck up and start pulling up our socks or wait for failure to stare straight at us. Will we move? Will we budge? Will we put in that extra bit of effort? Only time will tell.
Staring into the Abyss,
(0) comments
Sunday, March 20, 2005
Sometimes, when people around you have heated arguments or quarrels, how do you react? There are times when I really don't understand why people quarrel. At times, I question the purpose of the quarrel/argument. How do such arguments/quarrels arise? Is there a way to prevent them from happening?
What is it that either one of them can't compromise or give in? Why must one thing always lead to another and the quarrel never ends, and the past always brought up eventually? Why is it that man cannot live without his/her past? Insecurity? Pride? Or is it because man are made imperfect and everything has to be imperfect? When one doesn't quarrel/argue, they will feel weird, strange? No conflict = No peace? Why?
Can we, from young see the mistakes adults make and learn from them? Or will we be subconsciously influenced by them? But man being man, all the more we'll want to taste the forbidden fruit. Didn't they say that forbidden fruits always taste sweeter? But how true is that? Look at Adam and Eve, they had everything, but eventually sinned and defied God when curiosity/temptation got the better of them. They threw away what seemed to be an eternal life of blessings, for something temporal. And what about Lot's wife? The Angel told her not to turn back, but she did and ultimately, turned into a pillar of salt. Why? Could all these have been avoided if man chose to obey, follow instructions and not rebel?
What is it that we're all afraid of? When people say they cannot let go - be it pride, the past or whatever that's stopping them from moving on, moving forward, how often is it true? We can let go, but we only choose to tell ourselves we cannot let go. We all know very well that holding on to something that isn't going to aid us in the future, or help us in anyway is meaningless. Why do people still choose to do it?
Just like Faustus, he chooses to see what he wants to see. "The wages of sin is death." That's all he read. What he didn't read/see was the next sentence, "but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." He continued to live a life of sin and eventually sold his life to Lucifer. He never wanted to repent although he did cry out to God repeatedly in the text. What did he want? He wanted the best of both worlds (So typical of man). He wanted the love of God, the blessings of God, to go to Heaven, but he also wanted whatever the world could give him. To him, it was a bargain. He's telling God, "God. I can give my life to you if only I can have this and that." He keeps proclaming that it's too late for him to repent but we all know that it's never too late to repent.
Why do people knowingly know it's wrong but choose to do something that is wrong? Why do people like to live a life of regrets? Why do people only regret when something happens? Is there a thrill in doing that? Or are we just all trying to run away? I don't know. I honestly don't..
We know what we shouldn't do, yet we choose to do so.
We know what we should do, yet we refuse to do so.
What are we? Living paradoxs?
What is it that either one of them can't compromise or give in? Why must one thing always lead to another and the quarrel never ends, and the past always brought up eventually? Why is it that man cannot live without his/her past? Insecurity? Pride? Or is it because man are made imperfect and everything has to be imperfect? When one doesn't quarrel/argue, they will feel weird, strange? No conflict = No peace? Why?
Can we, from young see the mistakes adults make and learn from them? Or will we be subconsciously influenced by them? But man being man, all the more we'll want to taste the forbidden fruit. Didn't they say that forbidden fruits always taste sweeter? But how true is that? Look at Adam and Eve, they had everything, but eventually sinned and defied God when curiosity/temptation got the better of them. They threw away what seemed to be an eternal life of blessings, for something temporal. And what about Lot's wife? The Angel told her not to turn back, but she did and ultimately, turned into a pillar of salt. Why? Could all these have been avoided if man chose to obey, follow instructions and not rebel?
What is it that we're all afraid of? When people say they cannot let go - be it pride, the past or whatever that's stopping them from moving on, moving forward, how often is it true? We can let go, but we only choose to tell ourselves we cannot let go. We all know very well that holding on to something that isn't going to aid us in the future, or help us in anyway is meaningless. Why do people still choose to do it?
Just like Faustus, he chooses to see what he wants to see. "The wages of sin is death." That's all he read. What he didn't read/see was the next sentence, "but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord." He continued to live a life of sin and eventually sold his life to Lucifer. He never wanted to repent although he did cry out to God repeatedly in the text. What did he want? He wanted the best of both worlds (So typical of man). He wanted the love of God, the blessings of God, to go to Heaven, but he also wanted whatever the world could give him. To him, it was a bargain. He's telling God, "God. I can give my life to you if only I can have this and that." He keeps proclaming that it's too late for him to repent but we all know that it's never too late to repent.
Why do people knowingly know it's wrong but choose to do something that is wrong? Why do people like to live a life of regrets? Why do people only regret when something happens? Is there a thrill in doing that? Or are we just all trying to run away? I don't know. I honestly don't..
We know what we shouldn't do, yet we choose to do so.
We know what we should do, yet we refuse to do so.
What are we? Living paradoxs?
Staring into the Abyss,
(2) comments
Thursday, March 17, 2005
Stupid blogger crashed on me and there goes my entry. It's been a fruitful studying week. Last Thursday, Friday. This Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday. I've completed 2 and 3/4 texts with another 11 more chapters to go for Jane Eyre. Am targetting to finish at least 2 chapters tonight before I go to bed this morning.
Anyway, kAeJ has something to say to deb. "DEB. CHARLOTTE BRONTE WROTE JANE EYRE AND VILLETTE, JANE AUSTEN WROTE PRIDE AND PREJUDICE AND EMMA. IF YOU DARE TO MIX UP THE TWO AUTHORS AND THE TEXTS THEY WRITE AGAIN, YOUR HEAD IS SO GOING TO ROLL. YOU BETTER BEAR IT IN MIND! BRONTE (WITH GOTHIC ELEMENTS): JANE EYRE and VILLETTE, AUSTEN (NO GOTHIC ELEMENTS): PRIDE AND PREJUDICE, EMMA."
Been a tiring week. Jane Eyre is so not a good read. Not in terms of understanding, but just that it's a very long book. Bronte has so much to yak about I'm falling asleep reading the text! Darranz and Mel are on the verge of giving me a tight slap each cuz I keep mixing up who wrote which text. It's like they tell me, "Bronte wrote Jane Eyre and what?" So I'll reply, "Villette". After a while, they'll ask me again and I'll make the same mistake again. =/ Irritating.
The lack of sleep is draining me mentally. But I'm happy with it cuz I'm doing it on purpose. Going to sleep only at 5. Waking up by 1030 and going to sleep again at 5. At least I don't get to think so much. By immersing myself in my books and my game, time passes terribly quick. By the time I finish studying with them, and I reach home, 3/4 of my brain is gone. It's good. I think lesser cuz my brain's not functioning well with the lack of sleep. But I'll persist. Although sometimes I wonder how long I can hold out till.
Alright. Too tired to continue the rest. Shall go back to my game, to Jane Eyre, and back to my world.
Anyway, kAeJ has something to say to deb. "DEB. CHARLOTTE BRONTE WROTE JANE EYRE AND VILLETTE, JANE AUSTEN WROTE PRIDE AND PREJUDICE AND EMMA. IF YOU DARE TO MIX UP THE TWO AUTHORS AND THE TEXTS THEY WRITE AGAIN, YOUR HEAD IS SO GOING TO ROLL. YOU BETTER BEAR IT IN MIND! BRONTE (WITH GOTHIC ELEMENTS): JANE EYRE and VILLETTE, AUSTEN (NO GOTHIC ELEMENTS): PRIDE AND PREJUDICE, EMMA."
Been a tiring week. Jane Eyre is so not a good read. Not in terms of understanding, but just that it's a very long book. Bronte has so much to yak about I'm falling asleep reading the text! Darranz and Mel are on the verge of giving me a tight slap each cuz I keep mixing up who wrote which text. It's like they tell me, "Bronte wrote Jane Eyre and what?" So I'll reply, "Villette". After a while, they'll ask me again and I'll make the same mistake again. =/ Irritating.
The lack of sleep is draining me mentally. But I'm happy with it cuz I'm doing it on purpose. Going to sleep only at 5. Waking up by 1030 and going to sleep again at 5. At least I don't get to think so much. By immersing myself in my books and my game, time passes terribly quick. By the time I finish studying with them, and I reach home, 3/4 of my brain is gone. It's good. I think lesser cuz my brain's not functioning well with the lack of sleep. But I'll persist. Although sometimes I wonder how long I can hold out till.
Alright. Too tired to continue the rest. Shall go back to my game, to Jane Eyre, and back to my world.
Staring into the Abyss,
(2) comments
Monday, March 14, 2005
I'm so tired!! Why? Cuz I've been studying(yes. I am studying.) with darranz and Mel these few days. Think we'll be studying together everyday. Mel joins us slightly later cuz she has got to give "tuition" to her little brother.(We've been studying at AMK library. She lives at AMK) I'm very tired. Haha. Not exactly can drop dead and die that kind but just tired.
I'm determined to get my diploma. Afterall, I made the choice to take up this course. Even if it was a bad choice, I have to face up to the music and do whatever I can till the end of the course. Even if I don't get my pass, I would know that I've done my best. (Perhaps not yet.) Anyway, it's nice studying with Darranz and Mel. Darranz is a genius and with him beside me when I read my text, I don't have to worry about not understanding the text at all! When I read and I come across a sentence I don't understand or why a certain character says this, do that or why there are certain scenes, I'll just turn to him and he'll ask me, "What do you think?" Of cuz I'll answer, "I don't know." But he won't give me the answer straight away. He'll tell me, "Marlowe himself is against religion. So why do you think Faustus behaves the way he does?" Then I'll tell him what I think and if I'm right, he'll say yup, if I'm wrong he'll go on to explain. Like, "During the Renaissance Period, there was a rise in what?" And I'll tell him the answer and then I'll slowly get it. It's cool to have someone like him. Hahaha. Me and Mel are the same. We ask Darranz each time we don't understand anything from the text.
It's a good environment cuz we encourage each other to read. It gets pretty tiring reading and understanding so when one of us finish reading a book, we'll clap and go "yay". Hahaha. Whenever Mel gets bored from reading (especially after the 1st page), we'll just talk for about a minute and take up her book and ask her to read before we talk. I think it works cuz when she went out of the library for her usual smoke, she brought the book out too! Me and Darranz were like, "Wah!." And Darranz wanted to buy 4D. She managed to finish reading that book, and I finished reading 2 and a half books! :D Let's hope it'll continue.
The reason why I'm so tired is also because I'm checking out my new game - SIMS 2. Mel lent it to me. It's not bad. Gets alittle boring at time but it sure is addictive! Thinking of getting it for myself too. The expansion pack is out. SIMS 2: University. Hahaha. Didn't know how to play at first, but after some trial and error and reading the manual, I think I know how to play. I sleep at 5 every morning now! Hahaha!
Anyway, now for my 2 cents worth on the incident about SAC's Lit students doing the wrong genres for the O Level exams. I won't go into detail about who I think is at fault, but to think it slipped passed so many people, (the principal, subject head, subject teachers, MOE, Examination board, Cambridge) is appalling! How can that ever happened? What I want to blog about is that SAC girl whom The New Paper interviewed.
To paraphrase the girl, she said that she missed on collecting about S$200 worth of ang bao monies becuz she had to catch up on the reading. Obviously, she's sore about the school changing texts only in March causing them the hassle of having to read another text before the 'O' levels. I don't understand why she had to say that becuz she had a choice whether to go visiting or to stay home and read. To say the error by the school cost her S$200 worth of ang bao monies is ridiculous. I mean, it's not as if the school did it on purpose and then are not going to do something about it right? Infact, there'll be extra classes for them during the March Holidays and June holidays. What's there to grumble about? Besides they're O levels students and would have to go back for extra classes during the holidays anyway. She didn't have to add fuel to the fire, and deal a blow to SAC's already dwindling reputation. With students like her, it's no wonder SAC is no longer the school it used to be. Even if you hate the school, you shouldn't be saying things like this to the press. It's about respecting the school you go to, and not biting the hand that feeds you. Grow up girl!
I'm determined to get my diploma. Afterall, I made the choice to take up this course. Even if it was a bad choice, I have to face up to the music and do whatever I can till the end of the course. Even if I don't get my pass, I would know that I've done my best. (Perhaps not yet.) Anyway, it's nice studying with Darranz and Mel. Darranz is a genius and with him beside me when I read my text, I don't have to worry about not understanding the text at all! When I read and I come across a sentence I don't understand or why a certain character says this, do that or why there are certain scenes, I'll just turn to him and he'll ask me, "What do you think?" Of cuz I'll answer, "I don't know." But he won't give me the answer straight away. He'll tell me, "Marlowe himself is against religion. So why do you think Faustus behaves the way he does?" Then I'll tell him what I think and if I'm right, he'll say yup, if I'm wrong he'll go on to explain. Like, "During the Renaissance Period, there was a rise in what?" And I'll tell him the answer and then I'll slowly get it. It's cool to have someone like him. Hahaha. Me and Mel are the same. We ask Darranz each time we don't understand anything from the text.
It's a good environment cuz we encourage each other to read. It gets pretty tiring reading and understanding so when one of us finish reading a book, we'll clap and go "yay". Hahaha. Whenever Mel gets bored from reading (especially after the 1st page), we'll just talk for about a minute and take up her book and ask her to read before we talk. I think it works cuz when she went out of the library for her usual smoke, she brought the book out too! Me and Darranz were like, "Wah!." And Darranz wanted to buy 4D. She managed to finish reading that book, and I finished reading 2 and a half books! :D Let's hope it'll continue.
The reason why I'm so tired is also because I'm checking out my new game - SIMS 2. Mel lent it to me. It's not bad. Gets alittle boring at time but it sure is addictive! Thinking of getting it for myself too. The expansion pack is out. SIMS 2: University. Hahaha. Didn't know how to play at first, but after some trial and error and reading the manual, I think I know how to play. I sleep at 5 every morning now! Hahaha!
Anyway, now for my 2 cents worth on the incident about SAC's Lit students doing the wrong genres for the O Level exams. I won't go into detail about who I think is at fault, but to think it slipped passed so many people, (the principal, subject head, subject teachers, MOE, Examination board, Cambridge) is appalling! How can that ever happened? What I want to blog about is that SAC girl whom The New Paper interviewed.
To paraphrase the girl, she said that she missed on collecting about S$200 worth of ang bao monies becuz she had to catch up on the reading. Obviously, she's sore about the school changing texts only in March causing them the hassle of having to read another text before the 'O' levels. I don't understand why she had to say that becuz she had a choice whether to go visiting or to stay home and read. To say the error by the school cost her S$200 worth of ang bao monies is ridiculous. I mean, it's not as if the school did it on purpose and then are not going to do something about it right? Infact, there'll be extra classes for them during the March Holidays and June holidays. What's there to grumble about? Besides they're O levels students and would have to go back for extra classes during the holidays anyway. She didn't have to add fuel to the fire, and deal a blow to SAC's already dwindling reputation. With students like her, it's no wonder SAC is no longer the school it used to be. Even if you hate the school, you shouldn't be saying things like this to the press. It's about respecting the school you go to, and not biting the hand that feeds you. Grow up girl!
Staring into the Abyss,
(1) comments
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
Honestly, I don't understand the hype surrounding the marriage of Li Nan Xing and Yang Li Bing. What has it got to do with anybody? Probably cuz they're actors, thus their lives are thrust into the limelight but seriously speaking, so many other couples go through what they go through each day, so why do Singaporeans still find it intriguing that Li Nan Xing's marriage is on the rocks? What is so interesting about it that every magazines, newspapers all want to trace the reason to the break down in their marriage? We cannot live without gossip can we?
I watched Hitch and Closer yesterday and today respectively. If I had to pick which was the better show, I would pick Closer. Not that it's fantastic but Hitch wasn't as good as I expected it to be. Closer is about cheating. Insecurity, lack of trust and a strong amount of possessiveness. Although not very tastefully done, it still managed to invoke some feelings in me. Anyway, I'm beginning to think that Jose Mourinho resembles Jude Law alittle.
Man U lost to Milan last night and for the 2nd time, we didn't get into the quarter finals. We have been in the quarter finals for 7 consecutive seasons. Unfortunately, the odds worked against us and Milan was too good for us. We just couldn't score. I don't understand why Fergie chose to replace the injured Giggs with Fortune instead of Alan Smith. Knowing that a goal would bring us into extra time, and Ruud is lacking match sharpness, Smith would have been a good replacement for Giggs since Smith can play centre forward and midfield. The first thing Fortune does when he gets on the pitch is to get a yellow card. And this is not the first time he has done that. I wouldn't want to say this, but I think we missed Gary Neville, both for his crosses and his experiece. Wes Brown is a good defender, but he lacked the final touch. He's unable to attack as well as Gary can. Perhaps cuz Gary picked up the skill of crossing having worked with his best buddy Beckham in their United years. But we're out, and perhaps out of the EPL chase as well.
Chelsea was arrogant. Woh. They managed to squeeze into the last 16 through a dubious goal. The chelsea defender was obviously obstructing the Barcelona goalkeeper but the referee failed to see it. Jose Mourinho celebrated at the end of the match as though Chelsea have just won the European Cup. He raced down the pitch, hugged his players and all. You'll never see Fergie doing that. The most Fergie does is to jump up and down and hugging his other coaches that's all. And when he walks into the dressing room, he just walks there jubilantly with this fists pumped up towards the supporters and that's all. Jose Mourinho is way too arrogant. I hope he falls flat on his face. This could be his year though but I hope he doesn't have more to come. I detest this man and so much for his intelligence. Bah!
I watched Hitch and Closer yesterday and today respectively. If I had to pick which was the better show, I would pick Closer. Not that it's fantastic but Hitch wasn't as good as I expected it to be. Closer is about cheating. Insecurity, lack of trust and a strong amount of possessiveness. Although not very tastefully done, it still managed to invoke some feelings in me. Anyway, I'm beginning to think that Jose Mourinho resembles Jude Law alittle.
Man U lost to Milan last night and for the 2nd time, we didn't get into the quarter finals. We have been in the quarter finals for 7 consecutive seasons. Unfortunately, the odds worked against us and Milan was too good for us. We just couldn't score. I don't understand why Fergie chose to replace the injured Giggs with Fortune instead of Alan Smith. Knowing that a goal would bring us into extra time, and Ruud is lacking match sharpness, Smith would have been a good replacement for Giggs since Smith can play centre forward and midfield. The first thing Fortune does when he gets on the pitch is to get a yellow card. And this is not the first time he has done that. I wouldn't want to say this, but I think we missed Gary Neville, both for his crosses and his experiece. Wes Brown is a good defender, but he lacked the final touch. He's unable to attack as well as Gary can. Perhaps cuz Gary picked up the skill of crossing having worked with his best buddy Beckham in their United years. But we're out, and perhaps out of the EPL chase as well.
Chelsea was arrogant. Woh. They managed to squeeze into the last 16 through a dubious goal. The chelsea defender was obviously obstructing the Barcelona goalkeeper but the referee failed to see it. Jose Mourinho celebrated at the end of the match as though Chelsea have just won the European Cup. He raced down the pitch, hugged his players and all. You'll never see Fergie doing that. The most Fergie does is to jump up and down and hugging his other coaches that's all. And when he walks into the dressing room, he just walks there jubilantly with this fists pumped up towards the supporters and that's all. Jose Mourinho is way too arrogant. I hope he falls flat on his face. This could be his year though but I hope he doesn't have more to come. I detest this man and so much for his intelligence. Bah!
Staring into the Abyss,
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Tuesday, March 08, 2005
Yeah. The title says it all doesn't it? I haven't been able to sleep properly these few days. Or should I say, I can't sleep. There was a short period of time when I was able to fall asleep 15 minutes after I hit the bed but recently, it's beginning to be "Sleepless in My Room." Probably it's because those few times I tired myself out that's why I could fall asleep easily or perhaps I have too much on my mind now again. I went to bed last night close to 2, but tossed and turned until I finally fell asleep at 3.30am.
What is it actually? When I can fall asleep easily, I get nightmares. Forget it. Sleeping less or sleeping more doesn't make much of a difference anywhere. I can always sleep in class..
What is it actually? When I can fall asleep easily, I get nightmares. Forget it. Sleeping less or sleeping more doesn't make much of a difference anywhere. I can always sleep in class..
Staring into the Abyss,
(2) comments
Monday, March 07, 2005
To You. You know who you are and I know I said countless of "I'm Sorry" to you. This time, I know it's no different. I am horrible and I know that. I'm Sorry...
Dear friend,
I'm sorry
for making you cry.
Please don't ask me why
cuz I won't have a reply.
I'm sorry
I've been such a letdown,
for always not being around.
I know, I've let you down.
I'm sorry
to make you worry about me,
about how I will be,
and when I'll be set free.
I'm sorry
but a promise I cannot make.
It will be mistake
cuz the promise I'll break.
I'm sorry.
but thank you for showing you care,
for always willing to be there,
for keeping me in your prayer,
and for the friendship we share.
If one day we're no longer friends
and I don't get a chance to make amends,
I hope and pray that you'll know
I never meant to hurt you so.
` kAeJ
24-08-04
Dear friend,
I'm sorry
for making you cry.
Please don't ask me why
cuz I won't have a reply.
I'm sorry
I've been such a letdown,
for always not being around.
I know, I've let you down.
I'm sorry
to make you worry about me,
about how I will be,
and when I'll be set free.
I'm sorry
but a promise I cannot make.
It will be mistake
cuz the promise I'll break.
I'm sorry.
but thank you for showing you care,
for always willing to be there,
for keeping me in your prayer,
and for the friendship we share.
If one day we're no longer friends
and I don't get a chance to make amends,
I hope and pray that you'll know
I never meant to hurt you so.
` kAeJ
24-08-04
Staring into the Abyss,
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Sunday, March 06, 2005
No words can describe how gutted I feel now. We had the chance to close the gap on Chelsea by 3 points but we blew our chance. Now instead of closing the gap, we allowed Chelsea to extend their lead. Chelsea play Norwich City today and with the quality Chelsea have in their team, this game will be a walk in the park.
Man Utd have now played 29 games with 63 points while Chelsea have 68 points having played 27 games. Man Utd is actually on a run. 10 games undefeated in 11. The only time they lost was the 1-0 result against Milan in the champions league. Many would have expected Man Utd to win and to put on the pressure on Chelsea. I was secretly thrilled cuz I felt if we continued our good form, we could actually win the league. Now, it's an uphill battle. Chelsea still have to play us and Arsenal and in football, things are very unpredictable but I guess I'll have to concede that Chelsea will be champions this season.
My view of the match was that Fergie made several tactical mistakes. The leg 2 against Milan next week was obviously weighing on the United players mind more than the match they were playing. Fergie started cautiously. Playing 5 in midfield with only Ruud upfront. That I felt was what cost us. Fergie rested several key players and I know it's essential to rest them cuz the Milan match is very important too. We have to overturn a 1-0 deficit and playing in Italy and at the San Siro is going to be very tough plus Milan have the away goal advantage.
We just couldn't score. The 4-5-1 formation would have suited Europe perfectly but perhaps against Crystal Palace, Fergie should have gone with the 4-4-2 formation with Smith and Ruud leading the line. He tried to up the tempo in the 2nd half bringing on Scholes and Ronaldo for Phil and Fortune. It worked but Crystal Palace was defending as though their lives depended on this win. True. A draw would be considered as a win to them since they're battling relegation. A 1 point against Manchester United is a very very good result. Not to mention earning the 1 point with only 10 men. (They had a player sent off in the 2nd half)
Still, we couldn't score cuz Fergie still stuck with the 4-5-1 formation. Smith, a striker playing as a midfield. True, he's versatile and he's very hardworking. He'll play anywhere as long as he can play. But when we're playing to win, and to cut Chelsea's lead to a mere 3 points, I felt we should have been more adventurous. Then the killer blow. Instead of replacing the obviously lacking match fitness Ruud, he replaced Smith with Rooney. To me, I think that was a bad decision. Ruud lacked match fitness and he was tiring at the end of the match. There were many times in the match when you'll put your life for Ruud to score but it didn't happen today. If he was match fit, it will definitely be a goal.
The match didn't exactly go our way in the first half. The linesman made an error that ruled Keane for offside when he was perfectly onside. But I guess this happens in football. Things don't always go your way. It was a tense finale with us attacking and attacking and Crystal Palace defending and defending. We only had Howard and Silvestre at the back. The other 9 were attacking and Crystal Palace defended with all 10 men behind the ball.
What to do? Fergie tried to up the tempo but I guess it was too late. If only we didn't start too cautiously.. If only he didn't play either Fortune or Phil and played Scholes or Ronaldo instead.. If only he replaced Ruud instead of Smith, we could have won the match.. But it doesn't matter now. The fact will still remain that we failed to win what we were expected to win, and we've almost single-handedly (with the wrong call from that bloody linesman) undone the good work we've done in the past weeks...
Man Utd have now played 29 games with 63 points while Chelsea have 68 points having played 27 games. Man Utd is actually on a run. 10 games undefeated in 11. The only time they lost was the 1-0 result against Milan in the champions league. Many would have expected Man Utd to win and to put on the pressure on Chelsea. I was secretly thrilled cuz I felt if we continued our good form, we could actually win the league. Now, it's an uphill battle. Chelsea still have to play us and Arsenal and in football, things are very unpredictable but I guess I'll have to concede that Chelsea will be champions this season.
My view of the match was that Fergie made several tactical mistakes. The leg 2 against Milan next week was obviously weighing on the United players mind more than the match they were playing. Fergie started cautiously. Playing 5 in midfield with only Ruud upfront. That I felt was what cost us. Fergie rested several key players and I know it's essential to rest them cuz the Milan match is very important too. We have to overturn a 1-0 deficit and playing in Italy and at the San Siro is going to be very tough plus Milan have the away goal advantage.
We just couldn't score. The 4-5-1 formation would have suited Europe perfectly but perhaps against Crystal Palace, Fergie should have gone with the 4-4-2 formation with Smith and Ruud leading the line. He tried to up the tempo in the 2nd half bringing on Scholes and Ronaldo for Phil and Fortune. It worked but Crystal Palace was defending as though their lives depended on this win. True. A draw would be considered as a win to them since they're battling relegation. A 1 point against Manchester United is a very very good result. Not to mention earning the 1 point with only 10 men. (They had a player sent off in the 2nd half)
Still, we couldn't score cuz Fergie still stuck with the 4-5-1 formation. Smith, a striker playing as a midfield. True, he's versatile and he's very hardworking. He'll play anywhere as long as he can play. But when we're playing to win, and to cut Chelsea's lead to a mere 3 points, I felt we should have been more adventurous. Then the killer blow. Instead of replacing the obviously lacking match fitness Ruud, he replaced Smith with Rooney. To me, I think that was a bad decision. Ruud lacked match fitness and he was tiring at the end of the match. There were many times in the match when you'll put your life for Ruud to score but it didn't happen today. If he was match fit, it will definitely be a goal.
The match didn't exactly go our way in the first half. The linesman made an error that ruled Keane for offside when he was perfectly onside. But I guess this happens in football. Things don't always go your way. It was a tense finale with us attacking and attacking and Crystal Palace defending and defending. We only had Howard and Silvestre at the back. The other 9 were attacking and Crystal Palace defended with all 10 men behind the ball.
What to do? Fergie tried to up the tempo but I guess it was too late. If only we didn't start too cautiously.. If only he didn't play either Fortune or Phil and played Scholes or Ronaldo instead.. If only he replaced Ruud instead of Smith, we could have won the match.. But it doesn't matter now. The fact will still remain that we failed to win what we were expected to win, and we've almost single-handedly (with the wrong call from that bloody linesman) undone the good work we've done in the past weeks...
Staring into the Abyss,
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Friday, March 04, 2005
I think everybody hates results release days. Ok, at least, I hate results release day. If you did well, then the day will be good but if you did like crap, then the whole day becomes crap. I don't know if everybody is trying to be modest, or whether they really didn't meet up to their expectations. I've had people having AABs and when I ask them how's their results, their answers are just "Ok lar." But I guess, it's better than saying, "oooh. I did fantastically well!" Sometimes it's just so funny. When you say you did very well, people will think you're bragging. When you do well and say you just did ok, people may think we're trying to be too modest.
It's just like when I call someone up to ask for the results. Some will find these people busy bodies cuz it's like, "hello? It's my results. what has it got to do with you?" And if you don't call and ask, some may think people don't care about them at all. So hard to please people huh? -shrug-
It's just like when I call someone up to ask for the results. Some will find these people busy bodies cuz it's like, "hello? It's my results. what has it got to do with you?" And if you don't call and ask, some may think people don't care about them at all. So hard to please people huh? -shrug-
Staring into the Abyss,
(1) comments
Thursday, March 03, 2005
I'm not going to school tomorrow for the last paper. Will be asking Jeeshan for the paper and doing it on my own before giving it to him though. And guess what? I was stopped by Runima again. I saw her while waiting for my classmates yesterday and she stoppped to have a chat with me about the exams. Here's the conversation she had with me:
Runima: How is the exam?
Me: -shrug-
Runima: Why didn't you come for the consultation? I was waiting for you to call me.
Me: Haha. -shrug-
Runima: You must come for the intensive revision ok? I really want to help you do well.
Me: Ok
Today, as I walked out of the classroom having submitted my paper, I saw her again. She said Hi so I smiled back and said hello before walking to the lift when she went, "Deborah, Come here." I was like, "Oh No. Not again?" So we had another conversation.
Runima: So how's the paper? Everything ok?
Me: Not really. It's quite difficult.
Runima: Why is it difficult? You must come for the intensive revision ok? I want you to come so I can help you do well for the UOL exams.
Me: Ok.
I guess I will have to go for the intensive revision lest she misses my presence. My classmates are teasing me about this "unwanted" attention from her. She's ok actually. Just that.. I don't know what to say.
Anyway, I was walking through the underpass at Somerset and I saw that registration for 'O' levels 2005 is going to start soon. A thought struck me and now, I'm thinking of registering. Not for the whole 'O' levels of cuz, but just for E-Maths. What do you think? I think I might try just for the sake of trying. It costs S$62. Think it's worth the shot? I don't know. Anyway, I still have time to think cuz registration doesn't start yet.
Hmm. I forgot whatelse I wanted to say. So till the next entry.
Runima: How is the exam?
Me: -shrug-
Runima: Why didn't you come for the consultation? I was waiting for you to call me.
Me: Haha. -shrug-
Runima: You must come for the intensive revision ok? I really want to help you do well.
Me: Ok
Today, as I walked out of the classroom having submitted my paper, I saw her again. She said Hi so I smiled back and said hello before walking to the lift when she went, "Deborah, Come here." I was like, "Oh No. Not again?" So we had another conversation.
Runima: So how's the paper? Everything ok?
Me: Not really. It's quite difficult.
Runima: Why is it difficult? You must come for the intensive revision ok? I want you to come so I can help you do well for the UOL exams.
Me: Ok.
I guess I will have to go for the intensive revision lest she misses my presence. My classmates are teasing me about this "unwanted" attention from her. She's ok actually. Just that.. I don't know what to say.
Anyway, I was walking through the underpass at Somerset and I saw that registration for 'O' levels 2005 is going to start soon. A thought struck me and now, I'm thinking of registering. Not for the whole 'O' levels of cuz, but just for E-Maths. What do you think? I think I might try just for the sake of trying. It costs S$62. Think it's worth the shot? I don't know. Anyway, I still have time to think cuz registration doesn't start yet.
Hmm. I forgot whatelse I wanted to say. So till the next entry.
Staring into the Abyss,
(4) comments
Tuesday, March 01, 2005
I had a good and not so good day today. Today's Huiling's birthday and me, being the nice me (as usual right? =P), went down to her office lugging a bouquet of flowers and a plastic bag of presents for her. It was quite embarrassing lugging a bouquet of flowers around. Couldn't find the intense red tulips that she wanted so I settled for 7 different colour roses. Gave her 7 champagne roses during last Appreciation CG so didn't want to be so b-o-r-i-n-g. Anyway, for those who are interested to know what was in the plastic bag, here's what was in it :
1. A Baby Pooh bear wearing a lime green shirt from ACTION CITY.
2. A Baby Care Magazine January - June 2005 issue.
3. A Box of Chocolates
4. A Birthday Card from my favourite card shop at Plaza Sing.
I hope she likes them but somehow I have a feeling that her favourite gift of all is the baby care magazine. You should see her face when she came out from her office holding the magazine in her hand and demanding, "Deborah Kong! What is this?!?!?!" Her hands poking the magazine. That expression was PRICELESS and I mean it. :D
Happy Birthday my dear Huiling! May this year be a year of BREAKTHROUGHS for you!
Today was also a terrible day cuz I did disastrously for my Mock Exam paper. Again, I screwed up Jeeshan's paper BIG BIG time. I seriously ought to have sticked with my decision to NOT turn up for the paper today. Guess what brilliant thing I did today? You wouldn't be able to guess it. Even my classmates flipped when I told them about it.
Ok. So I went for lunch with Darren and co. after I met up with Huiling. We made our way back to school and reached class a few minutes before the paper started. The exam started. I looked at the question paper and I thought I couldn't answer any. Then I thought, maybe I should try. I can answer some but not in details. So I took out my foolscap and attempted to try. I did a question each from each Section as required but I didn't write a full essay for each 3. Then, after the paper, I realized that I made mistakes that no one in my class will ever make. Or should I say, no Lit student will ever make.
Mistake number 1: I attempted to write about James Joyce's A Portrait of The Artist As A Young Man. Ok. That's fine. Nothing wrong with that right? But NO. Instead of writing, "A Portrait of The Artist As A Young Man", a clever me wrote, "James Joyce's A Portrait of The Artist As A Young Boy." Spot the mistake?
Mistake number 2: Charlotte Bronte wrote Villette, and Jane Eyre, while Jane Austen wrote Emma and Pride and Prejudice. I struggled with which author wrote which text in the last Mock Exams and this time thinking I knew very well who wrote which text now, I screwed up again and wrote that Charlotte Bronte wrote Villette and Pride and Prejudice.
Don't I deserve a big tight slap across my face? When I told Mel about it, she was like, "Wah lau you. I thought I was very jialat. You're worse!!" I agreed of cuz with what she told me. Last Mock Exam, I still could go to Uma and ask her what I should do. This Mock Exam, I'm left to fend for myself. As I sat with my classmate waiting for Darran, Joan and Vivan to come down, I asked Mel if I should send Jeeshan an email to apologise for writing crap in his paper. She said I should and that emailing would be a better choice since it wouldn't be so embarrassing. They were telling me that Jeeshan will surely laugh when he reads it.
Anyway, I saw Jeeshan and I went up to him to "confess" what I had done. And true enough, when I told him about what I wrote for "A portrait", he laughed out loud and mumbled something that I didn't catch. =/ Darran and the 2 of them came down and they heard of my foolishness and all of them laughed at me.
Seriously, who can I blame for making such a disastrous mistake? No one but myself. I tried hard. But not hard enough. I'm still studying but only with half my heart. What's wrong with me? I'm sure Jeeshan must be wondering what in the world I'm doing in his class. I attend all his lessons and yet, I can do such a thing. This is incredible and no one can do it so brilliantly, except me.
1. A Baby Pooh bear wearing a lime green shirt from ACTION CITY.
2. A Baby Care Magazine January - June 2005 issue.
3. A Box of Chocolates
4. A Birthday Card from my favourite card shop at Plaza Sing.
I hope she likes them but somehow I have a feeling that her favourite gift of all is the baby care magazine. You should see her face when she came out from her office holding the magazine in her hand and demanding, "Deborah Kong! What is this?!?!?!" Her hands poking the magazine. That expression was PRICELESS and I mean it. :D
Today was also a terrible day cuz I did disastrously for my Mock Exam paper. Again, I screwed up Jeeshan's paper BIG BIG time. I seriously ought to have sticked with my decision to NOT turn up for the paper today. Guess what brilliant thing I did today? You wouldn't be able to guess it. Even my classmates flipped when I told them about it.
Ok. So I went for lunch with Darren and co. after I met up with Huiling. We made our way back to school and reached class a few minutes before the paper started. The exam started. I looked at the question paper and I thought I couldn't answer any. Then I thought, maybe I should try. I can answer some but not in details. So I took out my foolscap and attempted to try. I did a question each from each Section as required but I didn't write a full essay for each 3. Then, after the paper, I realized that I made mistakes that no one in my class will ever make. Or should I say, no Lit student will ever make.
Mistake number 1: I attempted to write about James Joyce's A Portrait of The Artist As A Young Man. Ok. That's fine. Nothing wrong with that right? But NO. Instead of writing, "A Portrait of The Artist As A Young Man", a clever me wrote, "James Joyce's A Portrait of The Artist As A Young Boy." Spot the mistake?
Mistake number 2: Charlotte Bronte wrote Villette, and Jane Eyre, while Jane Austen wrote Emma and Pride and Prejudice. I struggled with which author wrote which text in the last Mock Exams and this time thinking I knew very well who wrote which text now, I screwed up again and wrote that Charlotte Bronte wrote Villette and Pride and Prejudice.
Don't I deserve a big tight slap across my face? When I told Mel about it, she was like, "Wah lau you. I thought I was very jialat. You're worse!!" I agreed of cuz with what she told me. Last Mock Exam, I still could go to Uma and ask her what I should do. This Mock Exam, I'm left to fend for myself. As I sat with my classmate waiting for Darran, Joan and Vivan to come down, I asked Mel if I should send Jeeshan an email to apologise for writing crap in his paper. She said I should and that emailing would be a better choice since it wouldn't be so embarrassing. They were telling me that Jeeshan will surely laugh when he reads it.
Anyway, I saw Jeeshan and I went up to him to "confess" what I had done. And true enough, when I told him about what I wrote for "A portrait", he laughed out loud and mumbled something that I didn't catch. =/ Darran and the 2 of them came down and they heard of my foolishness and all of them laughed at me.
Seriously, who can I blame for making such a disastrous mistake? No one but myself. I tried hard. But not hard enough. I'm still studying but only with half my heart. What's wrong with me? I'm sure Jeeshan must be wondering what in the world I'm doing in his class. I attend all his lessons and yet, I can do such a thing. This is incredible and no one can do it so brilliantly, except me.
Staring into the Abyss,
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I feel so defeated in my studies. The new lecturer is not doing much to mend my already punctured self confidence of being able to do well or at least pass this course. I dread school even more now. I'm sure I'm going to emerge as the number 1 loser in my class, at home and in life. Been reading my texts but I can't even complete 1 reading in 3 days. What in the world am I doing? Am I reading? Or am I finding excuses not to read? How am I ever going to clear my UOL exams? Am I going to be a repeat student forever? Repeating and repeating, repeating and repeating? Till everyone's married with kids and I'm still trying to pass my 'O' levels Maths or my diploma in English Literature?
Sometimes I'm amazed at how I can encourage people to not give up in their studies when I'm living on a different philosophy that I preach. How can somebody be optimistic and pessimistic at the same time? How can somebody portrayed an image of optimism when that somebody is actually a pessimist? What do you call that? A walking paradox? Or just someone who is so fake, who doesn't do what he/she preaches? It could be that it's true it's easy to say, but difficult to do. That's probably how the whole proverb "ACTIONS SPEAKS LOUDER THAN WORDS" came about.
You know, back to my entry on the 22nd of February. I don't know when I started questioning the existence of God. The existence of myself in this world. When did I become so critical and so cynical? Did I make the wrong decision by choosing not the believe anymore? Have I really stopped believing? I felt like crying when I saw the video of Benny Hins healing the little girl. When the girl said inbetween tears, "Jesus, will you heal me please?" I don't know why, but I could feel her anguish when she made that plead. I guess when she was finally healed and able to stand without feeling pain, she must have felt so overwhelmed. Overwhelmed that after not being able to stand without pain, she could now do so without pain. Overwhelmed by the power of God to be able to heal her.
The power of God. One has to experience it before one can be fully convinced/convicted in his/her heart isn't it? What is it that I want? What is it that I'm looking for? What's the purpose of going to church? To find God? To meet with Him? To experiece His love, His touch? Is everybody in church really on fire for the Lord? Or are some of us leading double lives? A holy, pious, God-loving, God-fearing, full of faith christian in church and the complete opposite outside church? When we only think about God in church and not outside of church? I'm confused and I'm lost. Who is God and where is God? After having known so much, how can one just start all over again? To begin to know God all over again? Once a slate has been written on, how can we erase and write on it again? It's not going to happen, is it? Can we really start on a new slate? Wounds will heal with time, but don't the scars remain? Won't these scars serve to remind us of the wounds?
If I don't turn up for CG on Saturday, that will make it the 2nd CG that I'm going to miss ever since I started going for CG consistently. It does feel a little weird, but perhaps, when one has struggled with the same problem for so long, the best solution is only for that person to leave. Things are getting too close for comfort and I have a big problem trying to fit myself in that environment. I don't deserve to be in the CG cuz I'll only be obstructing the growth of the CG. Let the CG start growing after my absence.
Sometimes I'm amazed at how I can encourage people to not give up in their studies when I'm living on a different philosophy that I preach. How can somebody be optimistic and pessimistic at the same time? How can somebody portrayed an image of optimism when that somebody is actually a pessimist? What do you call that? A walking paradox? Or just someone who is so fake, who doesn't do what he/she preaches? It could be that it's true it's easy to say, but difficult to do. That's probably how the whole proverb "ACTIONS SPEAKS LOUDER THAN WORDS" came about.
You know, back to my entry on the 22nd of February. I don't know when I started questioning the existence of God. The existence of myself in this world. When did I become so critical and so cynical? Did I make the wrong decision by choosing not the believe anymore? Have I really stopped believing? I felt like crying when I saw the video of Benny Hins healing the little girl. When the girl said inbetween tears, "Jesus, will you heal me please?" I don't know why, but I could feel her anguish when she made that plead. I guess when she was finally healed and able to stand without feeling pain, she must have felt so overwhelmed. Overwhelmed that after not being able to stand without pain, she could now do so without pain. Overwhelmed by the power of God to be able to heal her.
The power of God. One has to experience it before one can be fully convinced/convicted in his/her heart isn't it? What is it that I want? What is it that I'm looking for? What's the purpose of going to church? To find God? To meet with Him? To experiece His love, His touch? Is everybody in church really on fire for the Lord? Or are some of us leading double lives? A holy, pious, God-loving, God-fearing, full of faith christian in church and the complete opposite outside church? When we only think about God in church and not outside of church? I'm confused and I'm lost. Who is God and where is God? After having known so much, how can one just start all over again? To begin to know God all over again? Once a slate has been written on, how can we erase and write on it again? It's not going to happen, is it? Can we really start on a new slate? Wounds will heal with time, but don't the scars remain? Won't these scars serve to remind us of the wounds?
If I don't turn up for CG on Saturday, that will make it the 2nd CG that I'm going to miss ever since I started going for CG consistently. It does feel a little weird, but perhaps, when one has struggled with the same problem for so long, the best solution is only for that person to leave. Things are getting too close for comfort and I have a big problem trying to fit myself in that environment. I don't deserve to be in the CG cuz I'll only be obstructing the growth of the CG. Let the CG start growing after my absence.
Staring into the Abyss,
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