I feel so defeated in my studies. The new lecturer is not doing much to mend my already punctured self confidence of being able to do well or at least pass this course. I dread school even more now. I'm sure I'm going to emerge as the number 1 loser in my class, at home and in life. Been reading my texts but I can't even complete 1 reading in 3 days. What in the world am I doing? Am I reading? Or am I finding excuses not to read? How am I ever going to clear my UOL exams? Am I going to be a repeat student forever? Repeating and repeating, repeating and repeating? Till everyone's married with kids and I'm still trying to pass my 'O' levels Maths or my diploma in English Literature?

Sometimes I'm amazed at how I can encourage people to not give up in their studies when I'm living on a different philosophy that I preach. How can somebody be optimistic and pessimistic at the same time? How can somebody portrayed an image of optimism when that somebody is actually a pessimist? What do you call that? A walking paradox? Or just someone who is so fake, who doesn't do what he/she preaches? It could be that it's true it's easy to say, but difficult to do. That's probably how the whole proverb "ACTIONS SPEAKS LOUDER THAN WORDS" came about.

You know, back to my entry on the 22nd of February. I don't know when I started questioning the existence of God. The existence of myself in this world. When did I become so critical and so cynical? Did I make the wrong decision by choosing not the believe anymore? Have I really stopped believing? I felt like crying when I saw the video of Benny Hins healing the little girl. When the girl said inbetween tears, "Jesus, will you heal me please?" I don't know why, but I could feel her anguish when she made that plead. I guess when she was finally healed and able to stand without feeling pain, she must have felt so overwhelmed. Overwhelmed that after not being able to stand without pain, she could now do so without pain. Overwhelmed by the power of God to be able to heal her.

The power of God. One has to experience it before one can be fully convinced/convicted in his/her heart isn't it? What is it that I want? What is it that I'm looking for? What's the purpose of going to church? To find God? To meet with Him? To experiece His love, His touch? Is everybody in church really on fire for the Lord? Or are some of us leading double lives? A holy, pious, God-loving, God-fearing, full of faith christian in church and the complete opposite outside church? When we only think about God in church and not outside of church? I'm confused and I'm lost. Who is God and where is God? After having known so much, how can one just start all over again? To begin to know God all over again? Once a slate has been written on, how can we erase and write on it again? It's not going to happen, is it? Can we really start on a new slate? Wounds will heal with time, but don't the scars remain? Won't these scars serve to remind us of the wounds?

If I don't turn up for CG on Saturday, that will make it the 2nd CG that I'm going to miss ever since I started going for CG consistently. It does feel a little weird, but perhaps, when one has struggled with the same problem for so long, the best solution is only for that person to leave. Things are getting too close for comfort and I have a big problem trying to fit myself in that environment. I don't deserve to be in the CG cuz I'll only be obstructing the growth of the CG. Let the CG start growing after my absence.

Staring into the Abyss,