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.The Abyss.

"The road to change is painful, and the road back into the light can sometimes be still kind of dark.." `Siang

Current Read:

.Didis and Gogos.

. Baby Microphone .
. Cherie .
. Chew Yue .
. Christine .
. Huiling .
. Huiying .
. Jane .
. Jiahui .
. Kenneth .
. Melissa .
. Salina .
. Soo Chin .
. Sun Ho .
. Roy .

.Rant & Rave.


.Past Ramblings.

February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
March 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007

Wednesday, July 27, 2005

Didn't know I could get into blogspot.com from office cuz I tried getting into soccernet.com before but couldn't. Haha! It's a good thing! Cuz it means I can blog from office too! Workload is quite light today. Not much authorization slips to release. Monday and Tuesday was stacks after stacks of papers to sort, file, and key in. Seems like Mondays and Fridays will be my most hectic days!

Feeling quite bored now cuz the permament staff is doing most of my work. And I've finished all the sorting, filing for 2 colleagues this morning. Even had time to read my bible! Oh! I've got my temporary pass to allow me access into OCBC Centre building without having to have my IC held by the security guards! Was pleasantly surprised that my manager remembered cuz I'm not under her. Was in the lift with her and one of my colleague yesterday morning, and I think she overheard our conversation when my colleague asked, "you don't have the temporary pass yet ah?"

So all in all, work is ok. I'm still trying to learn the tricks of the trade and sometimes it can get alittle stressful here. But then, which job isn't stressful? It's how we deal with this stress that reflects what our characters is. Besides, I know that God has a purpose for me, and whatever that purpose is, He will definitely equip me. :) Anyway, I'll be going for an interview on Saturday morning. It's for the one at Rocky Master(think I told some of you). Pray for me!

Staring into the Abyss,
kAeJ

4:20 PM
(0) comments

Sunday, July 24, 2005

Clipped

Where can I find release
from this emotional torment?
When will these struggles cease?
And what do they represent?

Am I not big enough to overcome?
Am I always going to succumb?
What then will I become?
Someone forever down in the slums?

How can I fly up high
when my wings are clipped?
How can I reach the sky
when all the time i'm falling?

` kAeJ
24/07/05

Staring into the Abyss,
kAeJ

10:47 PM
(0) comments

Tuesday, July 19, 2005

I changed my personal message on MSN to 'it's time to get used to change, deb' and Cherie sent me a message saying 'nice nick! the entire thing is an oxymoron!'. I wondered why she said that until I looked up the meaning of 'Oxymoron':

"A rhetorical figure in which incongruous or contradictory terms are combined."


Immediately I understood what she was trying to tell me. How does one get used to change? Change is change, and change is always changing. One can never get used to change, and in fact, one has to instead, accept change. Why can some people accept change and move on so easily? Is it because they already know that they have to accept change, lest they fall behind, and remain stagnant in their life? What's the difference between these 2 set of sentences?

Crux: I'll just have to get used to change and try to move on.

Cruz: I'll just have to accept change, and move on.

Does the word 'try' imply that Crux is not willing to embrace/accept change? Or does it just mean that Crux does not have a real revelation about what 'change' is? What separates Crux from Cruz? A different attitude? A different mindset? What is it?

Why do some people's life remain forever stagnant? Is is because they're so comfortable at where they are that stepping out of that comfort will 'break' them? What stops them from stepping out? A lack of motivation/passion? A lack of purpose/vision? A lack of a goal? Fear of failing? Fear of falling? Fear of taking risks? Laziness? Inability to take up challenges? Or is inertia at work here? Where we'll only move when an external force is acted upon us, if not, we'll just remain where we are?

"As long as you are not progressing somewhere, you know you are stagnating." When things get too comfortable for us, will we step out of the comfort zone and do something, or will we continue to remain in the comfort of the comfort zone? What will you choose? An active, meaningful life? Or a mundane, meaningless life? Then again, who said an active life is meaningful and a mundane life, meaningless?

Staring into the Abyss,
kAeJ

10:35 PM
(1) comments

Friday, July 15, 2005

He must increase and I must decrease....

He must increase and I must decrease....

Staring into the Abyss,
kAeJ

1:23 AM
(0) comments

Monday, July 11, 2005

Miss Cherie Loh, here's keeping my promise to dedicate an entry to you on your very special day! You finally 19 and I've known you for 7 years now! 7 long years! Wow. Doesn't feel like it huh? But you got to admit, you're growing old!! :D

Anyway, I wanna say a big shout out to God, and thank Him for you!! It's been great having you as a friend and truly, you're a very very good friend! Let's see. Our friendship started out in Sec 1, and since then, we've had our fair shares of ups and downs. I can't remember the number of cold wars we've had, but thank God, we always manage to reconcile. In a sense, we both have similar characters - we're stubborn to the core, extremely frank and straight-fowarded towards each other and that's probably why we always have so many differences. Cuz if I can't stand you, I tell you straight I can't stand you and vice versa.

It's funny how we're still friends now. Must be because we both have big hearts! Haha! Yeah. I'm sure that must be it. Actually, I should be doing this only on your 21st birthday, but, never mind. I'll do something more special on that even more special day. You've seen almost every side of me. From the nasty, mean Deb to the very nice Deb, and I'm glad you're able to accept me for who I am. I know there are times I've taken you for granted and made you the bear the brunt of my anger, and for this bad behavior, I apologise.

You're one of the honoured few to have seen me cry, and for the times you stood by me when I flunked my maths in SAC, thank you. It always amaze me to see how happy you always are. Fact is, I enjoy reading your blog. Really do. You're a strong girl, but sometimes, even the strongest person need someone to learn on. Try to let go of some of the unnecessary burdens weighing you down. For a 19 year-old, the baggage is a tad heavy. Also, I admire you for your unconditional love towards your family and your friends. That is something I know I need to learn. That ability of yours to love people just as they are is simply awesome.

Today, on this special day that the Lord hath made, I have a simple wish for you - That you'll always be genuinely happy, and that the Lord will keep you, protect you, and bless you. I don't have much to give you, but hope these simple words will suffice. (of cuz, I didn't forget about the purple roses!) So Cherie, thank you for the friendship, and thank you for always being so real! Happy Happy 19th birthday!! May all your fondest wishes come true this year! And, here's what you have always desired from me: -MUACKS-! I LOVE YOU! Happy Birthday Girl!

Staring into the Abyss,
kAeJ

12:15 AM
(1) comments

Saturday, July 09, 2005

Just got back from overnight prayer meeting(OPM) 15 minutes and decided to blog while waiting for my hair to dry. OPM was fantastic! It was my first time going for OPM and staying on till 5, so naturally, I was excited. I've never prayed so long in my entire life or worshiped God so long, and I must say, it was a tremedous feeling being in the palpable presence of God - praising Him, worshiping Him, and praying.

What made it better was that I could do all that without the constraints of worrying about returning home late, or the usual what-have-yous. Really feel much refreshed, and strengthened in my spirit man. God is good. I thought I wouldn't be able to last till 5, but amazingly, the more I prayed, the more awake I become. Thank God for His strength, that I was able to fix my gaze upon Him throughout the whole OPM.

From Romans8:35-40(NLT) -

Can anything ever separate us from Christ's love? Does it mean he no longer loves us if we have trouble or calamity, or are persecuted, or are hungry or cold or in danger or threatened with death? Even the Scriptures say, "For your sake we are killed every day; we are being slaughtered like sheep." No, despite all these things, overwhelming victory is ours through Christ, who loved us. And I am convinced that nothing can ever separate us from his love. Death can't, and life can't. The angels can't, and the demons can't. Our fears for today, our worries about tomorrow, and even the powers of hell can't keep God's love away. Whether we are high above the sky or in the deepest ocean, nothing in all creation will ever be able to separate us from the love of God that is revealed in Christ Jesus our Lord.

Staring into the Abyss,
kAeJ

7:13 AM
(0) comments

Friday, July 08, 2005

After 212 days into the year 2005, I've finally came up with a piece of poetry that I'm satisfied with! Drums roll please. Here's presenting, 'Faithful Arth Thee'! Yes. There is a need for me to be abit drama cuz it's my first poem in 2005 afterall!

Faithful Arth Thee

Faithful arth Thee Lord,
for You never once left me.
And just that one touch from You
opened my blind eyes to see.

Lord, Your heart I must have broke,
Each time I turned away from Thee.
And Lord, Your heart I must have grieved,
Each time I chose not to believe.

Oh Lord, Oh Lord, Oh Lord,
Your Love it's so great, it engulfs me.
And help me Lord, Oh Lord Help me,
Help me to be forever so true to Thee..

` kAeJ
07/07/05

Staring into the Abyss,
kAeJ

1:53 AM
(0) comments

Thursday, July 07, 2005

Went out for lunch with my grandma just now and she almost gave me a heart attack. After eating, she told me to go to the opposite coffeeshop to take-away dessert for her. So I went, and as I was walking towards the coffeeshop, I vaguely heard her say she was going to buy something after that. So after buying the cheng ting, I went back to where we were eating and realised she wasn't there anymore. So, never mind. I proceeded to the rows of provision shops along the neighbourhood and popped into everyone of them to look for her. When I finished looking into all the shops along the stretch, and I couldn't find her, I was shocked!

'Oh no! This is terrible. I can't find my grandma!' was the sms I sent out to Cherie. So I told myself, 'Walk out and spot for an old lady carrying a blue umbrella'. So I walked to the main road and horrors of horrors, the handful of people I saw were all carrying blue umbrellas! Albeit in different shades of blue. So I walked all the way again to the bus stop, thinking she could have gone there and wait for me, and no, I still didn't see her. I stood there for a while, and deliberated about whether to go back and look for her, or to go home. I decided to walk back, and to my relief, I spotted her with her blue umbrella, walking slowly towards me.

She saw me and cried out, 'Hey! I was looking for you! You looking for me too right? Forgot to tell you meet here when you're done.' To which I replied, 'I THOUGHT U WERE LOST!!! ANd I WAS ABOUT TO CALL THE POLICE!...' And her reply was? 'Siao.' Followed by a hearty laugh..

Staring into the Abyss,
kAeJ

1:56 PM
(1) comments

Wednesday, July 06, 2005

'Literature, through the ages, has been fascinated by the ironies attendant upon the career of the "overreacher". Explore this idea with reference to two texts, each by a different author.'

The ironies attendant upon the career of the overreacher means the ironies that are present in the overreachers' life. The purpose of having an overreacher in a text is to create a tragic effect. The ironies present helps to reinforce the effect that a tragedy creates. A tragedy as Aristotle says, induces and purges the twin emotions of pity and fear. The flaws of the overreachers in any text are often their best strength and this in itself is an irony. In this case, both the flaws of Oedipus and Faustus are that both commits error of judgments and in the process overreaches.

During the Greek period when Sophocles was writing, the people were fatalistic. They were bound to their fate. Oedipus in Oedipus Rex commits an error of judgment. He kills his father and tries to find the murderer who killed the king. Oedipus ordered that whoever the murderer is, he is to be exiled. The irony here is Oedipus' persistent seeking of the truth and his over persistence causes him to overreach.

And during the time of the Renaissance Period when Marlowe was writing, there was a rise in the quest for knowledge. Religion seemed to take a backseat. The people were more interested in seeking knowledge than in seeking God. In Dr Faustus, Faustus desires to know more causes him to fall. He commits an error of judgment when his quest for knowledge leads him to necromancy. Necromancy at that time was forbidden but that did not stop Faustus from wanting to practice it.

The irony present in Oedipus Rex is when Oedipus tries to run away from Corinth thinking that this way he will not be able to fulfill the prophesy. However, this running away ironically causes him to kill his father and marry his mother -thus, unwittingly fulfilling the prophesy. Moreover, Oedipus realizes that he is actually the one who murdered the King who also is his father.

In Faustus' case, the irony present is that Faustus gains knowledge but does not put it to good use. In the beginning of the text, Faustus claims that he will use the knowledge gained to cure diseases but eventually uses it only for farcical purposes. He uses the power to play tricks on the Pope and basically, misuses the knowledge he has on hand. Another irony present is when Faustus signs a blood bond with Mephostophilis to sell his soul to Lucifer for 24 years of unlimited wealth, power and knowledge. He makes a pact with the Devil and yet wishes to repent.

Furthermore, in order to repent, Faustus has to give up his knowledge but he is unwilling to do so. Even when he says that he "will renounce this magic and repent," he does not do so and this eventually leads to his fall from grace.

Because of the irony present in Oedipus Rex, Oedipus' harmartia is revealed to him. Oedipus accepts making an error of judgment and his self blinding and sending himself to exile is a form of humbling. This purgates pity and fear because ultimately, Oedipus has good intentions, and it just shows that he cannot run away from his fate.

Everything then seems to be a transaction in Dr Faustus. Marlowe is saying that religion is a transaction. God expects you to obey before giving you salvation. Faustus has to choose between knowledge and God, Heaven or hell.

Both Oedipus and Faustus are tragic heroes because both protagonists fall from prosperity to adversity due to harmatia. Oedipus is ennobled because he wants to find the truth to save his people. His act of humbling creates a cathartic effect on the audience and therefore, he is a tragic hero.

Faustus is also a tragic hero because he is bound to his fate but faces it with dignity. Faustus is ennobled because it is not wrong to know more. The Renaissance Period is about the spirit of enquiry and the quest for knowledge. Thus, in wanting to know more, Faustus is not doing anything wrong.

However, both Oedipus and Faustus are not ennobled because Oedipus could have stayed where he was and resign himself to his fact. He could also have tried to find another solution instead of running away to Corinth. Therefore, Oedipus's punishment is justified because the truth stands that he killed his father and committed incest when he slept with his mother. It is also not justified on the other hand because Oedipus did not have a choice. He is always going to be bound to his fate and he solved the riddle by the Sphinx thus becoming king because he thinks that it is the right thing to do.

Faustus on the other hand did not use the knowledge gained to good use. He used it to farce and thus defeats the purpose of wanting to gain knowledge. This justifies his punishment because at the end of the day, he did sell his soul to the Devil and belonged to him. At the same time, his punishment is not justified because everything is just a transaction in the text according to Marlowe.

In conclusion, there is always controversy surrounding ironies. The authors of both texts do not say whether it Faustus and Oedipus is correct or wrong. The purpose is just to inspire thought. That is why; ironies must be present in the overreachers, to capture the interest of the audience.

How much will you give me for this essay? (Can you see that I'm really bored?)

Staring into the Abyss,
kAeJ

1:07 AM
(1) comments

Saturday, July 02, 2005

A tear rolled down my cheek when I was watching a HK drama on SCV yesterday. Here's a summary of what happened. Ella is a student in a design school and she has just designed a gown as her graduating piece. Endless of hard work, tears, effort has gone into making this gown and it is this gown that she is banking on to get her the scholarship to a prestigous design school. So, she won the scholarship and was told to be early for the presentation the next morning. She was on her way with 2 of her friends when another called to say she left an important document at the theatre where the graduation ceremony was held before. Thinking they still had time left, and it'll be easier to search with 4 people, the 3 of them went to help, and found the document. Alas, the lift they were in broke down and by the time, they freed themselves, the scholarship had already been presented to the Silver award winner. She broke down and cry, and at that time, somehow, I could feel that sense of anguish and heartbrokeness. The feeling of losing something that you wanted so much and worked so hard for. The feeling of so near, and yet so far. It was so painful to watch her go on her knees and cry.

What is life all about? What do we work so hard for? I've always wondered how it is like to be forced to grow up immediately because of circumstances. How does one pick oneself up, and get use to the change? What does it take for that someone not to succumb to the pitfall of self-pity, self-destruction? How many can actually grow up, and grow up well? How many can actually overcome the circumstances and not be overcomed by the circumstances? What does it take? Is it all about the choices and decisions you make then?

You decide whether to sit down, cry, and pity yourself about your situation, or whether to pick yourself up, and do something to the situation. You decide whether you want to be happy or you want to be always frowning and sad. You decide whether you want to live life negatively or whether to live life positively. You decide, you decide and you decide. So is it all about having our own perspectives? Knowing where we stand? And knowing what our point of view is? Why are there people who are always sad, and people who are always happy? What's the thing that sets them apart?

Staring into the Abyss,
kAeJ

10:59 PM
(1) comments

Friday, July 01, 2005

How many of us are as happy as we seem? Are we really happy? Or do we only smile outwardly and frown inwardly? Through reading the blogs of other people, I've seen for myself how there are so many sides and masks that each one of us have and wear. The thing about only the fittest/strongest will survive. Is it true? Will we be able to come before each other, with just ourselves? The real us? The us without the masks? Will we smile cuz we're happy and cry cuz we're sad and not smile cuz we have to smile, and cry cuz we have to cry?

What happens when night falls? And what happens when day breaks? What happens when we're alone? And what happens when we're surrounded by people?

I've not written a poem in a long long while and it seems I've hit a dry spell. I've had thoughts that maybe I shouldn't write, and shouldn't even attempt to write cuz my poems are getting from bad to worse. I've always held this secret desire to one day be able to write for Harvest Times. But there are times when I'd think to myself, 'there are so many others who can write better than you. Do you even think you stand a chance??' When people ask me what I wanna do, I always tell them that I wanted to be an editor for the Sports section. Then I'll ask myself, 'what do you know about sports?? You only watch soccer and I'm sure your knowledge of soccer is only it's basics.' However, strangely enough, I'll always hear another voice telling me, 'So what? You never know what's going to happen. Who said you cannot write for Harvest Times? So what if you don't know about sports? You can always read to find out more, ask to know more.'

Have I drifted out of point?

Staring into the Abyss,
kAeJ

1:01 AM
(2) comments
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