.The Abyss.
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Saturday, May 21, 2005
It's amusing how we always like to seek answers/opinions from the people around us although we already have the answers in our hearts. What is it that despite already having the answers, we still want to hear from others? Is it for assurance? For confirmation? Or is it just for a different perspective?
Often we're 'blinded' by our emotions, and many other factors. Our voice of logic gets drowned by these emotions and we falter. Suddenly, we don't know what to do. We don't see the answer even though the answer is staring straight at our faces. It takes an outsider, someone more clear-headed, to help us 'assess' our situation and to give a sound diagnosis. Most of the time, we have the answer but because of the 'blinding', we overlook, and underlook, and allow self-denial to set in.
We're always looking for answers. I don't know about you. But I'm looking for answers all the time. Since there's a question, then there should be an answer shouldn't it? However, I've come to find out that not every question has an answer to it. It is not the answer or the resolution that matters but how I got to the answer that matters. It's the same with life. It's always not about how you start or how you end but how you go through the mountains and valleys till the finishing line that is important. A friend told me that 'there will never be absolute resolution cos life does not work that way.'
It's been a turbulent few months. I said things I didn't mean to say, and done things I didn't mean to do. I've hurt people I shouldn't hurt and I've hurt myself. In the process of wanting to find answers, I've done and said things that I should never have done/said. I've questioned and I've demanded for answers. People's perspectives and not my own perspectives. People's stands and not my own stands. I'm like a person who is drunk - unsteady, wavering. I don't have an opinion of my own when it comes to important decisions. Like baby microphone said, ' am not big enough to embrace change...I wish I can cough up the willpower to do so....'.
Where is my Rock that will steady me and allow me to lean on? Not literally but metorphorically. The storm will pass, and I will see the rainbow once again.. This lonely phase without you will pass, but will we, or will I have the chance to get to know you once again?
Often we're 'blinded' by our emotions, and many other factors. Our voice of logic gets drowned by these emotions and we falter. Suddenly, we don't know what to do. We don't see the answer even though the answer is staring straight at our faces. It takes an outsider, someone more clear-headed, to help us 'assess' our situation and to give a sound diagnosis. Most of the time, we have the answer but because of the 'blinding', we overlook, and underlook, and allow self-denial to set in.
We're always looking for answers. I don't know about you. But I'm looking for answers all the time. Since there's a question, then there should be an answer shouldn't it? However, I've come to find out that not every question has an answer to it. It is not the answer or the resolution that matters but how I got to the answer that matters. It's the same with life. It's always not about how you start or how you end but how you go through the mountains and valleys till the finishing line that is important. A friend told me that 'there will never be absolute resolution cos life does not work that way.'
It's been a turbulent few months. I said things I didn't mean to say, and done things I didn't mean to do. I've hurt people I shouldn't hurt and I've hurt myself. In the process of wanting to find answers, I've done and said things that I should never have done/said. I've questioned and I've demanded for answers. People's perspectives and not my own perspectives. People's stands and not my own stands. I'm like a person who is drunk - unsteady, wavering. I don't have an opinion of my own when it comes to important decisions. Like baby microphone said, ' am not big enough to embrace change...I wish I can cough up the willpower to do so....'.
Where is my Rock that will steady me and allow me to lean on? Not literally but metorphorically. The storm will pass, and I will see the rainbow once again.. This lonely phase without you will pass, but will we, or will I have the chance to get to know you once again?
Staring into the Abyss,
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Friday, May 13, 2005
Last few minutes before Friday the 13th comes to an end, so might as well just blog about something right? Have been quite sick this week. Stomach acting up. What with burping non stop, and diahorrea. Must be the exam stress acting up. Hahaha! Then again, exam is over! But time to start reading all the texts I didn't get to finish reading and get ready to repeat. Hahaha! Will I even get down to read??? We'll see. We'll see. But now, looking for a job is more important, so if anyone of you have "lobangs", do let me know yeah?
Anyway, went to Forbidden City with Mel, her boyfriend, Darranz, Joan and Vivian on Wednesday night. I "insisted" on going to Forbidden City to "look look" only to find out the prices for the drink was exorbitant! I didn't even get to drink my vodka! :( Haha! But that's because Darranz ordered a jug of Long Island Tea and my stomach was acting up. I don't think I'll be able to down the vodka anyway. We toasted to the end of the exams, and more importantly, the opening of our "Pretend-to-be-Intelligent Association" of which yours truly is the secretary. No need to say, Darranz is the president, Mel the vice-president and Joan, the chief librarian. Hahaha! Our membership cards are made with vanguard sheets! So unique and special right? Anyone interested? Please send your resume to the President!
Anyway, we left after we finished the jug and we proceeded to Party World at Tanjong Pagar(I think). So we had a karaoke session till 2am and "Cartoon Heroes" is officiately our Association's theme song. Mel and her boyfriend gave me a lift home and after bathing and all, conferenced call with Darranz and Joan till about 3.30am when we were all talking rubbish. Sigh. Wonder when we'll get to meet up and have this kind of fun again, now that Mel's working and we're all not going to school(yet) anymore..
Anyway, I will be heartbroken if Alex Ferguson leaves because of the take-over by Malcolm Glazer. Is money really really so important? Or is soccer losing it's "flavour"?
Anyway, went to Forbidden City with Mel, her boyfriend, Darranz, Joan and Vivian on Wednesday night. I "insisted" on going to Forbidden City to "look look" only to find out the prices for the drink was exorbitant! I didn't even get to drink my vodka! :( Haha! But that's because Darranz ordered a jug of Long Island Tea and my stomach was acting up. I don't think I'll be able to down the vodka anyway. We toasted to the end of the exams, and more importantly, the opening of our "Pretend-to-be-Intelligent Association" of which yours truly is the secretary. No need to say, Darranz is the president, Mel the vice-president and Joan, the chief librarian. Hahaha! Our membership cards are made with vanguard sheets! So unique and special right? Anyone interested? Please send your resume to the President!
Anyway, we left after we finished the jug and we proceeded to Party World at Tanjong Pagar(I think). So we had a karaoke session till 2am and "Cartoon Heroes" is officiately our Association's theme song. Mel and her boyfriend gave me a lift home and after bathing and all, conferenced call with Darranz and Joan till about 3.30am when we were all talking rubbish. Sigh. Wonder when we'll get to meet up and have this kind of fun again, now that Mel's working and we're all not going to school(yet) anymore..
Anyway, I will be heartbroken if Alex Ferguson leaves because of the take-over by Malcolm Glazer. Is money really really so important? Or is soccer losing it's "flavour"?
Staring into the Abyss,
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Tuesday, May 10, 2005
Last paper tomorrow. But does it even matter? Anyway, I'm holding on to an unrealistic hope. That I can clear 3 of my modules and only fail 1 module. Will my hope materialise? I don't know. But, I managed to complete my essays despite always handing up blank exam scripts to Jeeshan. So, no harm hoping. Most of my classmates know what they're going to do after the exams, it's just left me now. Time to sit down and think about my future. Hopefully, it'll be a good closure tomorrow.
Staring into the Abyss,
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Monday, May 02, 2005
Wow. Just back from Devils' Bar. Yeah. For the uninformed, I saw an advertisement about the contest on one of the Today's and decided to give it a shot. It was for a pair of tickets to the Devils' Bar with a free standard drink each, and a lucky draw after that. I completely forgot about the competition until someone from Today called me. It was like, "Wow." Haha! Of cuz, if I had won tickets to Old Trafford instead of Devils' Bar, I would have celebrated for 40 days and 40 nights!
Was rather indecisive about whether to go or not to go. The match was at 11, meaning it'll end at 1. Besides, Peilin was having a birthday chalet at Pasir Ris and I was invited. Financially drained, but in the end, Mel and Darranz suggested that they'll go with me to accompany me as well as take a look at Devils' Bar. So off I went to the chalet after service and I hung around for about 2 hours before making my way to Devils' Bar. Man, it was one kind of an experience! It was great watching soccer with so many man utd fans!! Not to mention the English cutie sitting opposite us. Hahaha.
Halftime came, and there was the "entertaiment". Bartop dancing by the She-Devils (What a name!). It was kinda hilarious. One she-devil even managed to find time to pose for a camera! We were like, "ok...." So after the match (which man utd eventually won 4-0), it was the lucky draw! Top prize is a Toshiba LCD tv and the 2nd, 3rd prize are Toshiba DVD players. Nope. I didn't win either. So we went upstairs, the 3rd floor to be exact. This is where the dancing was. It was crowded! Really very crowded! But it was definitely an eye-opener. The liveband was interesting! The female lead have a fabulous voice! Not once did she go out of tune! There were another 2 male singers and all 3 of them took turns to lead. But, before that was those clubbing music which were not my cup of tea. So Mel stayed there with her boyfriend, and Darranz and I went down to the 2nd floor to chill. (We only went up to join Mel when we heard the Beyond song.)
I drank Vodka with ribena, Vodka with orange juice, and half a cup of Tequilla Sunrise. And oh, did I mention that I saw Terence Cao as well? He looked quite good with a cap. Handsome chap. And, he took a second look at Darranz when he walked down the steps. I was telling Darranz, "Did you see that?? He walked away, and then turned back to look at you again!!" Hahaha! It was a little scary seeing the different kinds of people there. Saw a couple of drunk people who were dancing on the dance floor and totally oblivious of what they were doing. Saw a woman who should be in her late 30s who was completely knocked out. The bouncer was dragging her away and she, I think was in a state of unconsciousness. According to Darranz, it's either she's very drunk, or she took Ecstacy and didn't take enough water. Scary. But, it's an experience.
I don't think clubbing is for me. The loud pounding music is not something I enjoy but the people-watching was interesting. I'll probably go back to the club to watch soccer more than anything else. And now that this devils bar thing is over, and having temporarily shoved the impending exams into the back of my mind, it's time to think about the exams again...
But, first, I think I need to hit the sack.
Was rather indecisive about whether to go or not to go. The match was at 11, meaning it'll end at 1. Besides, Peilin was having a birthday chalet at Pasir Ris and I was invited. Financially drained, but in the end, Mel and Darranz suggested that they'll go with me to accompany me as well as take a look at Devils' Bar. So off I went to the chalet after service and I hung around for about 2 hours before making my way to Devils' Bar. Man, it was one kind of an experience! It was great watching soccer with so many man utd fans!! Not to mention the English cutie sitting opposite us. Hahaha.
Halftime came, and there was the "entertaiment". Bartop dancing by the She-Devils (What a name!). It was kinda hilarious. One she-devil even managed to find time to pose for a camera! We were like, "ok...." So after the match (which man utd eventually won 4-0), it was the lucky draw! Top prize is a Toshiba LCD tv and the 2nd, 3rd prize are Toshiba DVD players. Nope. I didn't win either. So we went upstairs, the 3rd floor to be exact. This is where the dancing was. It was crowded! Really very crowded! But it was definitely an eye-opener. The liveband was interesting! The female lead have a fabulous voice! Not once did she go out of tune! There were another 2 male singers and all 3 of them took turns to lead. But, before that was those clubbing music which were not my cup of tea. So Mel stayed there with her boyfriend, and Darranz and I went down to the 2nd floor to chill. (We only went up to join Mel when we heard the Beyond song.)
I drank Vodka with ribena, Vodka with orange juice, and half a cup of Tequilla Sunrise. And oh, did I mention that I saw Terence Cao as well? He looked quite good with a cap. Handsome chap. And, he took a second look at Darranz when he walked down the steps. I was telling Darranz, "Did you see that?? He walked away, and then turned back to look at you again!!" Hahaha! It was a little scary seeing the different kinds of people there. Saw a couple of drunk people who were dancing on the dance floor and totally oblivious of what they were doing. Saw a woman who should be in her late 30s who was completely knocked out. The bouncer was dragging her away and she, I think was in a state of unconsciousness. According to Darranz, it's either she's very drunk, or she took Ecstacy and didn't take enough water. Scary. But, it's an experience.
I don't think clubbing is for me. The loud pounding music is not something I enjoy but the people-watching was interesting. I'll probably go back to the club to watch soccer more than anything else. And now that this devils bar thing is over, and having temporarily shoved the impending exams into the back of my mind, it's time to think about the exams again...
But, first, I think I need to hit the sack.
Staring into the Abyss,
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