.The Abyss.
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Tuesday, October 31, 2006
I never knew him to be such a romantic man. He's born in the year of the Dog, and his wife, the year of the Dragon. He had this portrait specially drawn years ago at Chinatown and it cost him about S$60. His wife chided him for wasting money then, but I guess it has become something she can remember him for.
This is the very ancient egg basket. I remember when I was a little gal, there'll be this auntie selling eggs door to door and we'll put this basket outside the flat and she'll just deposit the eggs in. After 20 years, it is still around. But of course, now they buy their eggs from the market..
This is the very ancient egg basket. I remember when I was a little gal, there'll be this auntie selling eggs door to door and we'll put this basket outside the flat and she'll just deposit the eggs in. After 20 years, it is still around. But of course, now they buy their eggs from the market..
Staring into the Abyss,
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Monday, October 30, 2006
Dearest Gu Gong,
You left so fast I didn't even had a chance to say goodbye. You were with me during the 1st 5 years of my life, and I was with you during the last 12 days of your life, and the last 4 days before you were sent for cremation. Guess we're square now?
I can barely recall my 5 years with you, but I know they must be happy memories because I can't remember whatever happened after I went home. The memories I have of you are short, but from hearing what my parents tell me, you must love me a lot. They tell me you'll bring me on bus rides and I'll stick my legs out of the window. That was how naughty I was. And that must also be why I love long bus rides now. They tell me that they bought you 12 sticks of ginseng powder to drink, and you end up giving all 12 sticks to me. Gin ma and your children told me you'll bring me to the playground, bring me when you went for your chit-chat sessions, bring me to the beach to soak in the sea. You also told me that I ate everything that you fed me. You must have spoken a lot about me, that's why the neighbours could remember my name when they saw my at the wake.
Gin Ma told me that you told her I was the first person to visit you when you were first admitted to the hospital. And although you said that I was traditional for buying fruits on my first, I'm sure you must have terribly pleased at that gesture. I'm sorry I never visited you at your place when I knew you were sick. I'm sorry for procrastinating, but I'm also glad that I managed to spend 10 out of the 12 days you were in the hospital with you. You never liked to bother people, always asking me not to visit you so often and to concentrate on my studies. It came as a surprise when Gin Ma told me, "Gu Gong always wanted you to come. He'll always call me in the morning and ask me if Ah Girl was going. I'll always ask him which Ah Girl, and he'll say, 老虎 girl la. He liked you to come. He also said to ask you to study hard and earn lots of money" I will study hard. I promise.
Remember how you'll crave for ice kachang and peanut porridge early in the mornings? Remember how you'll wake up every 3 hours and ask me if it's night time already? Remember how you'll close your eyes, and then open them the next minute and tell me, "I feel like drinking fruit juice." Papaya, honeydew, and red apple, a weird mixture but you liked it.
I'll never forget how you died on Wednesday. How I saw you at 3.45pm in the afternoon and you were fine and how you turned for the worse when you came out from your test at 6pm. I'll never forget how you squirmed in your bed and clung on tightly to the railings. I'll never forget how the doctors and nurses ran in and out of the ward bringing in different kinds of drips and machines. I'll never forget the look on your face when they pushed you out from the ward at 8pm to transfer you to the ICU. I'll never forget how your eyes were dilating and how a intern doctor was pumping oxygen into your lungs. I'll never forget how I could only stand there helpless, and not of being any help when you struggled to breathe. I'll never forget how the doctor came in and said, "I think all of you can go in. We're sorry to say but his heart just stopped beating."
I tried not to cry, but tears just rolled down my cheek. I tried, I really tried hard. But I guess, as I watched your life slipped away, I couldn’t help but teared. I never told you how I secretly believed for you when you told me that you were looking forward to be discharged. I never told you how I'll just sit by your side, watch you sleep and pray for you.
It must have been tough for an active man like you to not be able to sit up or walk for the 12 days you were in hospital. You must have been in a lot of pain, but you are so brave. You never complained about the pain, you only endured it silently. It must have been terrible not being able to smoke and bathe for that 12 days. But you were always so happy and so positive.
I'm sorry I didn't cry when they pushed you into the incinerator. I couldn't cry although I really wanted to. When I left your place today, I felt a sharp pain in my heart because I realized I'll never get to see you again. At least during the last 4 days at the wake, I got to talk to you, got to see your body in the coffin. I never told anyone that when I stood at your coffin and look at you, I'll secretly wish that you’ll get up. I still have a lot of things to say to you. But I don't have a chance anymore. I just want you to know that I love you, and that I'm glad you are no longer in pain. You shouldn't have gone so fast, but who am I to decide? I can't bear the thought that I'll no longer see you, but it is a fact that I have to accept. I hope you are happy. Don't worry. I'll visit Gin Ma often. I promise.
Goodbye Gu gong. Goodbye…
Love,
老虎 girl.
You left so fast I didn't even had a chance to say goodbye. You were with me during the 1st 5 years of my life, and I was with you during the last 12 days of your life, and the last 4 days before you were sent for cremation. Guess we're square now?
I can barely recall my 5 years with you, but I know they must be happy memories because I can't remember whatever happened after I went home. The memories I have of you are short, but from hearing what my parents tell me, you must love me a lot. They tell me you'll bring me on bus rides and I'll stick my legs out of the window. That was how naughty I was. And that must also be why I love long bus rides now. They tell me that they bought you 12 sticks of ginseng powder to drink, and you end up giving all 12 sticks to me. Gin ma and your children told me you'll bring me to the playground, bring me when you went for your chit-chat sessions, bring me to the beach to soak in the sea. You also told me that I ate everything that you fed me. You must have spoken a lot about me, that's why the neighbours could remember my name when they saw my at the wake.
Gin Ma told me that you told her I was the first person to visit you when you were first admitted to the hospital. And although you said that I was traditional for buying fruits on my first, I'm sure you must have terribly pleased at that gesture. I'm sorry I never visited you at your place when I knew you were sick. I'm sorry for procrastinating, but I'm also glad that I managed to spend 10 out of the 12 days you were in the hospital with you. You never liked to bother people, always asking me not to visit you so often and to concentrate on my studies. It came as a surprise when Gin Ma told me, "Gu Gong always wanted you to come. He'll always call me in the morning and ask me if Ah Girl was going. I'll always ask him which Ah Girl, and he'll say, 老虎 girl la. He liked you to come. He also said to ask you to study hard and earn lots of money" I will study hard. I promise.
Remember how you'll crave for ice kachang and peanut porridge early in the mornings? Remember how you'll wake up every 3 hours and ask me if it's night time already? Remember how you'll close your eyes, and then open them the next minute and tell me, "I feel like drinking fruit juice." Papaya, honeydew, and red apple, a weird mixture but you liked it.
I'll never forget how you died on Wednesday. How I saw you at 3.45pm in the afternoon and you were fine and how you turned for the worse when you came out from your test at 6pm. I'll never forget how you squirmed in your bed and clung on tightly to the railings. I'll never forget how the doctors and nurses ran in and out of the ward bringing in different kinds of drips and machines. I'll never forget the look on your face when they pushed you out from the ward at 8pm to transfer you to the ICU. I'll never forget how your eyes were dilating and how a intern doctor was pumping oxygen into your lungs. I'll never forget how I could only stand there helpless, and not of being any help when you struggled to breathe. I'll never forget how the doctor came in and said, "I think all of you can go in. We're sorry to say but his heart just stopped beating."
I tried not to cry, but tears just rolled down my cheek. I tried, I really tried hard. But I guess, as I watched your life slipped away, I couldn’t help but teared. I never told you how I secretly believed for you when you told me that you were looking forward to be discharged. I never told you how I'll just sit by your side, watch you sleep and pray for you.
It must have been tough for an active man like you to not be able to sit up or walk for the 12 days you were in hospital. You must have been in a lot of pain, but you are so brave. You never complained about the pain, you only endured it silently. It must have been terrible not being able to smoke and bathe for that 12 days. But you were always so happy and so positive.
I'm sorry I didn't cry when they pushed you into the incinerator. I couldn't cry although I really wanted to. When I left your place today, I felt a sharp pain in my heart because I realized I'll never get to see you again. At least during the last 4 days at the wake, I got to talk to you, got to see your body in the coffin. I never told anyone that when I stood at your coffin and look at you, I'll secretly wish that you’ll get up. I still have a lot of things to say to you. But I don't have a chance anymore. I just want you to know that I love you, and that I'm glad you are no longer in pain. You shouldn't have gone so fast, but who am I to decide? I can't bear the thought that I'll no longer see you, but it is a fact that I have to accept. I hope you are happy. Don't worry. I'll visit Gin Ma often. I promise.
Goodbye Gu gong. Goodbye…
Love,
老虎 girl.
Staring into the Abyss,
(1) comments
Thursday, October 26, 2006
And then the Grim Reaper took him away just like that. I didn't even have the chance to say goodbye even though I spent more than 8 hours with him. We didn't even talk today. Why so fast? Why so painful for him? WHY?
Staring into the Abyss,
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Friday, October 20, 2006
Sometimes death creeps up to you unaware. Like a seasoned thief, it doesn't leave any evidences behind and when you realised that it has stolen something from you, it's usually too late. Lightning doesn't strike once, lightning strikes twice. Even on a clear blue day, lightning will strike. Death is actually not scary. Knowing what you are going to leave behind is scarier. How can one die without any physical or emotion pain? How can one die and have the assurance that who he/she leaves behind will continue to live? How can one die when there are so many things still unsettled?
Perhaps it is time to say goodbye, one last goodbye...
Perhaps it is time to say goodbye, one last goodbye...
Staring into the Abyss,
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Wednesday, October 18, 2006
If I didn't see this advertisment in the TTSH's lift, I wouldn't have known that Soo Chin was working part-time as a doctor! Now now, Beautiful, since when did you start giving talks in hospitals? I thought you were doing your Bachelors in Business (Human Resource Consulting) at NTU? :P
Staring into the Abyss,
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Monday, October 16, 2006
I must be growing old. This morning I walked into the lecture theatre in a semi-awake state and I was surprised to see so many new faces. For a moment, I thought I was dreaming. As I was walking to the back, this gal called out to me excitedly. I stared blankly while she continued to say, "deborah!!". Not knowing who she was, I smiled, and continued to walk.
As I was at my seat, I racked my brain hard. "Who is she?" Well, she looked familiar but I just couldn't recall who she was. Lessons went on and I kept wondering where I saw her before. "In SAC? Cannot be Stansfield right? Where?" Then the lecturer mentioned her name, Natasha. It sounded familiar but I just couldn't remember who she was.
During the break, as I was signing my attendance, she came up to me again and said, "deborah! I'm so happy and excited to see you here! What were you doing after Stansfield?" Then, it struck me that she was my classmate in Stansfield. I immediately texted Mel to ask if she remembered Natasha and to my embarrassment, she did. Ooooops.
As I was at my seat, I racked my brain hard. "Who is she?" Well, she looked familiar but I just couldn't recall who she was. Lessons went on and I kept wondering where I saw her before. "In SAC? Cannot be Stansfield right? Where?" Then the lecturer mentioned her name, Natasha. It sounded familiar but I just couldn't remember who she was.
During the break, as I was signing my attendance, she came up to me again and said, "deborah! I'm so happy and excited to see you here! What were you doing after Stansfield?" Then, it struck me that she was my classmate in Stansfield. I immediately texted Mel to ask if she remembered Natasha and to my embarrassment, she did. Ooooops.
Staring into the Abyss,
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Thursday, October 12, 2006
A question came into my mind as I was memorizing my points for tomorrow's Communication Skills exam. Don't ask me what's the link between commuication skills and Lucifer though cuz I think I must have been day dreaming. Ha. But here's what I was thinking:
If I had the chance to interview Lucifer, I'll want to ask him what satisfaction he derives out of going against God, how it gratifies him and why despite knowing he is fighting a losing battle, still persists in challenging God.
And the strangest thing happened during the week. There was a day when I was thinking(day-dreaming again la) about this particular classmate in class and our sitting plan during exams. I was just thinking, "hmm. I don't think we'll ever get to sit next to each other during the exams because she's Goh and I'm Kong." Her name is on the 1st page of the attendance list, whereas I'm on the 3rd page you see. I'm number 30. So I just thought it's impossible because I'm usually at the back, while she's in the front so I thought it was a pity. (Don't ask me why. I don't know why I felt that way! Haha!) But anyway, on Monday, when I went to sit for a paper, I was a few minutes late. So it was a frantic search for my number, and when I sat down, I turned to see who was beside me, and lo and behold, it was her. Imagine my surprise. It sure indeed was surprise, surprise because there was really no way our numbers will allow us to sit together. HMMMMMM.....
If I had the chance to interview Lucifer, I'll want to ask him what satisfaction he derives out of going against God, how it gratifies him and why despite knowing he is fighting a losing battle, still persists in challenging God.
And the strangest thing happened during the week. There was a day when I was thinking(day-dreaming again la) about this particular classmate in class and our sitting plan during exams. I was just thinking, "hmm. I don't think we'll ever get to sit next to each other during the exams because she's Goh and I'm Kong." Her name is on the 1st page of the attendance list, whereas I'm on the 3rd page you see. I'm number 30. So I just thought it's impossible because I'm usually at the back, while she's in the front so I thought it was a pity. (Don't ask me why. I don't know why I felt that way! Haha!) But anyway, on Monday, when I went to sit for a paper, I was a few minutes late. So it was a frantic search for my number, and when I sat down, I turned to see who was beside me, and lo and behold, it was her. Imagine my surprise. It sure indeed was surprise, surprise because there was really no way our numbers will allow us to sit together. HMMMMMM.....
Staring into the Abyss,
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Tuesday, October 10, 2006
Yeah! This T-shirt just came from England! Nice!!
Staring into the Abyss,
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Sunday, October 08, 2006
What is life all about? What do we work so hard for? I've always wondered how it is like to be forced to grow up immediately because of circumstances. How does one pick oneself up, and get use to the change? What does it take for that someone not to succumb to the pitfall of self-pity, self-destruction? How many can actually grow up, and grow up well? How many can actually overcome the circumstances and not let the circumstances overcome them? What does it take? Is it all about the choices and decisions you make then?
You decide whether to sit down, cry, and pity yourself about your situation, or whether to pick yourself up, and do something to the situation. You decide whether you want to be happy or you want to be always frowning and sad. You decide whether you want to live life negatively or whether to live life positively. You decide, you decide and you decide.
So is it all about having our own perspectives? Knowing where we stand? Knowing what we want? Making the right decisions? Why are there people who are always sad, and people who are always happy? What's the thing that sets them apart?
God?
You decide whether to sit down, cry, and pity yourself about your situation, or whether to pick yourself up, and do something to the situation. You decide whether you want to be happy or you want to be always frowning and sad. You decide whether you want to live life negatively or whether to live life positively. You decide, you decide and you decide.
So is it all about having our own perspectives? Knowing where we stand? Knowing what we want? Making the right decisions? Why are there people who are always sad, and people who are always happy? What's the thing that sets them apart?
God?
Staring into the Abyss,
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Thursday, October 05, 2006
The voice kept ringing in his head:
"Repent Sherman! Repent! What will it profit a man, if he gains the whole world but loses his soul? Repent Sherman! Repent!!"
Staring into the Abyss,
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Wednesday, October 04, 2006
My cousin who is doing her MBA in UK, Nottingham is coming back this Friday and I'm so excited! -wheet!!- I don't know why, but I'm just very excited that she's coming back! :D
So I'm done with my Advertising and Promotional Management exam today. (The lecturer sucks big big time. I hate her to the CORE! Don't ever get me started about her. She's HISTORY.) Two more to go. Media Studies on Monday, and Communication Skills on Friday. Then I'll be done with my professional certificate and can embark on my diploma! -Whooosh-
Actually I really wanna go away. For a holiday perhaps. Or go away and never come back! But I don't think it will ever happen. Not now anyway.
"Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane, I don't know when I'll be back again." (Old Trafford, Manchester will be ideal...)
So I'm done with my Advertising and Promotional Management exam today. (The lecturer sucks big big time. I hate her to the CORE! Don't ever get me started about her. She's HISTORY.) Two more to go. Media Studies on Monday, and Communication Skills on Friday. Then I'll be done with my professional certificate and can embark on my diploma! -Whooosh-
Actually I really wanna go away. For a holiday perhaps. Or go away and never come back! But I don't think it will ever happen. Not now anyway.
"Cause I'm leaving on a jet plane, I don't know when I'll be back again." (Old Trafford, Manchester will be ideal...)
Staring into the Abyss,
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Monday, October 02, 2006
They say ignorance is bliss. Perhaps they are right. We should all adopt a "pretend-to-be-something" attitude. Pretend to be intelligent. Pretend to understand. Pretend that you are ok. Just pretend and pretend. I must be pretending very well since the whole class is kinda shocked that I failed my Econs. I don't know whether to laugh or be annoyed when they say, "Really meh. Don't bluff. How can you fail Econs? If you fail, then I how?" For your information, I don't have time to joke and who in the right mind will joke about failing a subject? Darran would be proud of me - the secretary. He, afterall is the President of the Pretend-to-be-intelligent association.
On another note, Cristano Ronaldo seems to be improving alot. Shows that what doesn't break you will make you stronger. Gotta take a leaf from his book. After what he has been through, he's still so full of confidence. Not to mention, he's only 19 or 20? or is it 21? Heck! Learn from him folks. Learn from him. I will too. It's amazing how he responds to the taunts from the away fans so well. Mind over body. Remember, it's mind over body.
On another note, Cristano Ronaldo seems to be improving alot. Shows that what doesn't break you will make you stronger. Gotta take a leaf from his book. After what he has been through, he's still so full of confidence. Not to mention, he's only 19 or 20? or is it 21? Heck! Learn from him folks. Learn from him. I will too. It's amazing how he responds to the taunts from the away fans so well. Mind over body. Remember, it's mind over body.
Staring into the Abyss,
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