Dearest Gu Gong,

You left so fast I didn't even had a chance to say goodbye. You were with me during the 1st 5 years of my life, and I was with you during the last 12 days of your life, and the last 4 days before you were sent for cremation. Guess we're square now?

I can barely recall my 5 years with you, but I know they must be happy memories because I can't remember whatever happened after I went home. The memories I have of you are short, but from hearing what my parents tell me, you must love me a lot. They tell me you'll bring me on bus rides and I'll stick my legs out of the window. That was how naughty I was. And that must also be why I love long bus rides now. They tell me that they bought you 12 sticks of ginseng powder to drink, and you end up giving all 12 sticks to me. Gin ma and your children told me you'll bring me to the playground, bring me when you went for your chit-chat sessions, bring me to the beach to soak in the sea. You also told me that I ate everything that you fed me. You must have spoken a lot about me, that's why the neighbours could remember my name when they saw my at the wake.

Gin Ma told me that you told her I was the first person to visit you when you were first admitted to the hospital. And although you said that I was traditional for buying fruits on my first, I'm sure you must have terribly pleased at that gesture. I'm sorry I never visited you at your place when I knew you were sick. I'm sorry for procrastinating, but I'm also glad that I managed to spend 10 out of the 12 days you were in the hospital with you. You never liked to bother people, always asking me not to visit you so often and to concentrate on my studies. It came as a surprise when Gin Ma told me, "Gu Gong always wanted you to come. He'll always call me in the morning and ask me if Ah Girl was going. I'll always ask him which Ah Girl, and he'll say, 老虎 girl la. He liked you to come. He also said to ask you to study hard and earn lots of money" I will study hard. I promise.

Remember how you'll crave for ice kachang and peanut porridge early in the mornings? Remember how you'll wake up every 3 hours and ask me if it's night time already? Remember how you'll close your eyes, and then open them the next minute and tell me, "I feel like drinking fruit juice." Papaya, honeydew, and red apple, a weird mixture but you liked it.

I'll never forget how you died on Wednesday. How I saw you at 3.45pm in the afternoon and you were fine and how you turned for the worse when you came out from your test at 6pm. I'll never forget how you squirmed in your bed and clung on tightly to the railings. I'll never forget how the doctors and nurses ran in and out of the ward bringing in different kinds of drips and machines. I'll never forget the look on your face when they pushed you out from the ward at 8pm to transfer you to the ICU. I'll never forget how your eyes were dilating and how a intern doctor was pumping oxygen into your lungs. I'll never forget how I could only stand there helpless, and not of being any help when you struggled to breathe. I'll never forget how the doctor came in and said, "I think all of you can go in. We're sorry to say but his heart just stopped beating."

I tried not to cry, but tears just rolled down my cheek. I tried, I really tried hard. But I guess, as I watched your life slipped away, I couldn’t help but teared. I never told you how I secretly believed for you when you told me that you were looking forward to be discharged. I never told you how I'll just sit by your side, watch you sleep and pray for you.

It must have been tough for an active man like you to not be able to sit up or walk for the 12 days you were in hospital. You must have been in a lot of pain, but you are so brave. You never complained about the pain, you only endured it silently. It must have been terrible not being able to smoke and bathe for that 12 days. But you were always so happy and so positive.

I'm sorry I didn't cry when they pushed you into the incinerator. I couldn't cry although I really wanted to. When I left your place today, I felt a sharp pain in my heart because I realized I'll never get to see you again. At least during the last 4 days at the wake, I got to talk to you, got to see your body in the coffin. I never told anyone that when I stood at your coffin and look at you, I'll secretly wish that you’ll get up. I still have a lot of things to say to you. But I don't have a chance anymore. I just want you to know that I love you, and that I'm glad you are no longer in pain. You shouldn't have gone so fast, but who am I to decide? I can't bear the thought that I'll no longer see you, but it is a fact that I have to accept. I hope you are happy. Don't worry. I'll visit Gin Ma often. I promise.

Goodbye Gu gong. Goodbye…

Love,
老虎 girl.

Staring into the Abyss,