"Do you know what is the meaning of Perseverance…? Continuing on a course of action despite previous setbacks or failures…"

I started on something a month ago in a bid to advocate a change in my life. One month has since passed, and to be honest, it hasn't been easy. Everyday has been a mad mad struggle. I feel exposed. Feel as though the whole world now knows my darkest, deepest, dirtiest secret. The brutality of the truth and the unrelenting pressure from trying to change and choose Good is torturous. The agony of not being able to go through the week unscathed and the need of having to try again, and again, and again, and again is sometimes...trying. The guilt and the shame that follows after suffocates.

The night seems longer. The silence in the head pounds louder.

They tell me I must persist and I must press on. They said they are believing for me and with me. Rev Robb Thompson said Good is a choice and evil, a persuasion. Coleridge said that Hope without an object cannot live. In this case, where or what is my object?

Someone also told me before that the road to change is painful, and the road back into the Light can sometimes be still kind of dark. But this someone also said she wanted me to keep walking and to keep wanting to change. This "trying to change" has made me realize what a horrible person I am, and how it seems I am always not big enough to overcome. I'm tired of pretending - pretending that nothing happened and that everything is normal. Life goes on, but it is definitely not normal.

She asked me if I knew what the meaning of Perseverance was last night and she must have been trying to tell me to persevere, to hang in there. Today is the start of another week and I almost faltered again. Thankfully, I remembered just in time about what she said yesterday and what she has always been saying to me. I must not yield, and I must persevere. I must not falter again and I must get through the week unscathed. But, what a tall order it is for me to accomplish…

Staring into the Abyss,