This is going to be a very long entry. I feel that I need to blog this down because I have a feeling that I'm gonna forget everything soon..

Tuesday, 24th Oct 06

Today, I went to the hospital in the morning with 芝麻糊 (black sesame paste). It was something you told me that you were craving to eat. When I reached your ward, you told me that Gim Ma went to buy ice kachang and told me to look for her since it was her first time buying ice kachang from the hospital's foodcourt. We came back with the ice kachang and I fed you. I stayed only for barely 30minutes because Jane was coming over to my house to do Cris & Hui Nah's montage. My mum told me you were expecting me in the evening. At 7.15pm, Jane left and I msg-ed Mei Mei to ask her if she was still there. She said yes and that I didn't have to come down because they were leaving soon and you were going to sleep. I didn't go that night.

Wednesday, 25th Oct 06

Lecture ended at 12 noon and after that, our class had to go on an industrial visit to Stamford Press Ptd Ltd. You were going to go through some tests at 4pm and I told Mei Mei I will try to be there if I can make it. We returned to school at 3.30pm and I took a cab to SGH. When I reached at 3.45pm, you were already changed for the impending test. Auntie Guiyin was there as well. I didn't talk to you because you looked very tired. At 4pm, the nurses came and pushed you to the Department of Diagnostic Radiology. Auntie Guiyin and I followed but we were told that we had to wait for you at the waiting area. We sat outside and chatted while we waited. At 5.30pm, Xue Er arrived and shortly after, Mei Mei reached too.

6pm came and the nurse came down to look for you. From a distance, I saw the nurse talking to you and I was glad I could see you again. We were already planning what food to get you since you must be hungry after not eating for a day. As the nurses pushed you back, I remember seeing you squirming in your bed and hanging tightly onto the railings of the bed. The paused and then moved on because they had to push you back to the ward quickly as you were bleeding. You must have pulled out the tube that was inserted in your arm in your agony. Then you signalled for them to stop again. The nurse asked if you were in pain or just breathless. You took off your oxygen mask and replied, "我也不知道“。 Those were the last words you spoke.

Back at the ward, the nurse told us not to talk to you, and to give you some time to rest, to regulate your breathing. An intern doctor came to see you and told us to give him 10 minutes. 10 minutes came and went. More doctors started to come in. At one point, there were 5 doctors and 1 nurse with you. We watched helplessly as the nurse and doctors ran in and out taking with them different drips and machines. The people from the X-Ray department also came down to take an X-ray of you and visitors had to leave the ward for that few minutes. All these while, we stood outside the ward, along the corridor, wondering what's going on behind the drawn curtains. I remember Xue Er standing behind me, sobbing as she called her friends to pray for you.

At 8pm, your doctor came out and told us that they had managed to increase your blood and sugar level and you had to be transferred to the ICU because there they have all the equipment you will need. The doctor also said that the next 24 hours was going to be critical. When they pushed you out of the ward, you looked like someone I didn't know. A tube was inserted into your lungs to pump oxygen in and your eyes were dilating. At the ICU, we could only wait as the nurses and doctors set up the equipment. Ah Ying kor kor discussed with the doctor whether to let Gim Ma know and eventually, they decided to let her know. As we sat inside the ICU waiting room, no one talked. Then the doctor came and tell us about what they were goig to do. How they were going to insert a tube into your throat so that they can give you medication and how another tube was going to be inserted into your lungs so that they could draw water out. They took a long time to set up the equipment.

Half an hour later, the doctor said that we could go in and see you. But the equipment was not ready yet. I remember going in together with Jin Jin and Zhu Zhu. At first I stood outside, not wanting to go in because I felt I should let your daughters see you. Jin Jin went down on her knees when she saw you and Zhu Zhu burst into tears. I walked in, called you and shook your leg. Then I went out. Gim ma arrived and she was crying. She asked how long has she been kept in the dark and why you are in the ICU all of a sudden. We kept quiet.

At 10.50pm, the doctor came in and told us that she was sorry and that your heart had just stopped beating. We all ran into your room. They kept screaming for you to wake up and Gim Ma kept insisting your heart was still beating even though it was the machine that was causing your heart to "beat". I touched you and tears just flowed down. I didn't stay inside for long because I couldn't bear to hear Gim Ma and the rest crying. I walked outside the ward and tried very hard to suppress my tears but they just flowed.

The nurse came to me and told me that she has already packed your stuff for you and told me not to be so upset. I thanked her and I made my way back to your ward to pick up your stuff. It was a lonely walk to your ward. As I gathered everything, the patient opposite nodded his head. As though he knew you had left. Even the nurses on duty told me not to be so sad. Back to the ICU waiting room, Gim Ma still couldn't get over it. She was crying and crying and she asked me, "Did Gu Gong see you today? Why did he have to die so fast? Does your Ah Ma know? He didn't even do anything evil, why so fast?" I didn't have an answer and I walked away.

At 12plus, we had to leave because they were going to the mortuary. Gim Ma didn't want to leave because she didn't want you to be put into a fridge. She requested for 1 last look and Ah Ying kor kor had ask the doctor to give them another few minutes. This time they put you in a room. I walked in when Gim Ma walked out and as I took 1 last look and 1 last touch at you, I still couldn't believe you were gone.

In the car, I suppressed my tears. When I reached home, I headed to the bathroom and I cried for 3 minutes. Then, I blogged about how you left without saying goodbye. I went to sleep that night with tears in my eyes.

Thursday (26th October 06)

The phone rang at 8am in the morning. Grandma and I picked up the phone at the same time. It was Seh Poh. I heard her say, "Ah yi, do you want me to fetch you to Dua Gu's place?" Grandma replied, "For what?" She said, "You don't know? Dua Gu passed away last night." When I walked down the flight of stairs, grandma asked me in between sobs, "Gu gong no more. You know?" I nodded and watched as she sat in the chair and wept...

Staring into the Abyss,