It has been a tough week. Mugging for exams, preparing for Easter, planning and organising Siang's birthday, dealing with the difficult people at home has certainly left me stretched with so many hiccups happening along the way. The feeling of not having done something well bothers me, especially when I did my best to make it work.

I'm starting to lose my focus and I'm finding pushing myself to study for this set of exams such an exhuasting ordeal. The fear of not doing well haunts me, and I'm gripped by anxiety that I'll flunk my papers and not get the damm diploma. But there is always a voice that tells me not to care, that it doesn't even matter whether I get all "As" or not.

Maybe it's because I don't want the diploma term to end. What's going to happen when it ends? Am I really going to continue witht the advanced diploma + degree? Do I really have to do that? But I don't wanna go through the whole cycle of presentations, projects, assignments and exams again. I don't wanna go through the whole cycle of asking and questioning myself again and again whether I am going to make it or not. So do I then find a job and work? But what can I do? Yet only until I succeed than perhaps I can stop having to bear the brunt of all the ridicule and condemenation at home and from myself.

They say a person without a vision will perish. I'm living on borrowed time and I'm counting down the days when it'll catch up on me. But for how long more can I continue to pretend? This has really got to stop.

And to further compound my misery, Man Utd lost to Portsmouth in the league....

P/S: Pardon me for being so incoherent. I can hardly think straight now.

Staring into the Abyss,